Reading From the Outside

[billy]

just kidding about the dylan song

delete words that are not needed? you have the story, use imagery to show it us, simile/metaphor, use a few poetic devices such as alliteration [check out the site for more poetic devices]

an example of simile;
And a girl with painted black nails

And a girl with nails like slivers of coal you could do much better but it's just an example.

I was riding the bus today
As I do every day, 
Lost in my own contemplation

When a boy with windblown hair
And a girl with painted black nails
Jumped on for shelter from the rain is this a line from a bob dylan song?

I watched as he steadied her show us how he steadied her instead of just saying it.
From the jerking starts
And abrupt stops 

How she peered into his eyes lines like this add little, it's called cliche and if possible are better avoided
Stepping into his gaze
And receding from our world

And as I observed from my bench
All I could consider,
Was that they were the kind of people one wrote stories about