01-20-2016, 11:57 PM
Julius,
Written in accentual verse, four accents per line. Fairly consistent, only some minor problems.
"It sang a well remembered song" "It" being the radio? Radios do not sing. The song cannot sing itself, and so on. It is disruptive passages like this that either consciously or unconsciously keeps the reader from being immersed in the poem. This in turn effects the believability of the poem (more on that latter).
More disruptive is the mention of knees twice too close together and too similar in phrasing.
"Ignoring their arthritic knees"
"they could dismiss their stiffening knees"
These two lines basically say the same thing, they are simply worded differently.
Another possible failing is this seems an occurrence that would happen more in a movie than in real life. Due to natural human defenses, such spontaneous occurrences rarely occur, so although a sweet idea, it does not seem believable and if the main thesis of the poem lacks credibility, so does the poem. This may only occur on an unconscious level for most readers, but still they are effected, leaving in their mind the idea, "well that was nice, but..." Such credibility concerns separate a passable poem, form a good poem, as does the other disruptive elements.
On the positive side, the form and the rhyme fit well to the subject and are used handily.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
Written in accentual verse, four accents per line. Fairly consistent, only some minor problems.
"It sang a well remembered song" "It" being the radio? Radios do not sing. The song cannot sing itself, and so on. It is disruptive passages like this that either consciously or unconsciously keeps the reader from being immersed in the poem. This in turn effects the believability of the poem (more on that latter).
More disruptive is the mention of knees twice too close together and too similar in phrasing.
"Ignoring their arthritic knees"
"they could dismiss their stiffening knees"
These two lines basically say the same thing, they are simply worded differently.
Another possible failing is this seems an occurrence that would happen more in a movie than in real life. Due to natural human defenses, such spontaneous occurrences rarely occur, so although a sweet idea, it does not seem believable and if the main thesis of the poem lacks credibility, so does the poem. This may only occur on an unconscious level for most readers, but still they are effected, leaving in their mind the idea, "well that was nice, but..." Such credibility concerns separate a passable poem, form a good poem, as does the other disruptive elements.
On the positive side, the form and the rhyme fit well to the subject and are used handily.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.