01-20-2016, 08:00 PM
Thank you very much for your posts.
Indeed, "reveils" was just spelling it wrong. I have set this right straight away. Thank you very much.
"You box up time, it makes it go" - has always been a line I have been struggling with. Actually the whole set of
"This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go."
I am trying to say, that this rythm of turning is giving us means to split time into understandable unities of time (-> months), whereas in the same sentence claiming that this rhythm and this dance is also the actual motor of time. But I can see, it does not do it. I am especially unhappy with the "shelf" and the "boxing up". If there any suggestions, that would be really great.
As for the last two lines, I actually had the feeling I needed two lines to keep the peoms form, while on the other hand I had only two lines left to speak of the aspect of gravity and the moons influence on the sea. Looking at it, I might be able to cut off some of the "fingernail" part, which is only there to speak of the different things people see when looking at the moon, and trying to create a feeling for her turning faster and faster while you watch her dance. Instead I might find something leading up to the Lady's gravity.
Thank you all so much for your input.
I am still definatly going to make an unrhymed version of this poem, even if it is just for exercise. I am very excited about this idea.
Indeed, "reveils" was just spelling it wrong. I have set this right straight away. Thank you very much.
"You box up time, it makes it go" - has always been a line I have been struggling with. Actually the whole set of
"This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go."
I am trying to say, that this rythm of turning is giving us means to split time into understandable unities of time (-> months), whereas in the same sentence claiming that this rhythm and this dance is also the actual motor of time. But I can see, it does not do it. I am especially unhappy with the "shelf" and the "boxing up". If there any suggestions, that would be really great.
As for the last two lines, I actually had the feeling I needed two lines to keep the peoms form, while on the other hand I had only two lines left to speak of the aspect of gravity and the moons influence on the sea. Looking at it, I might be able to cut off some of the "fingernail" part, which is only there to speak of the different things people see when looking at the moon, and trying to create a feeling for her turning faster and faster while you watch her dance. Instead I might find something leading up to the Lady's gravity.
Thank you all so much for your input.
I am still definatly going to make an unrhymed version of this poem, even if it is just for exercise. I am very excited about this idea.