01-20-2016, 12:05 PM
I actually really liked the use of rhymes in this poem. It made it feel more playful and sing-songy to me, almost as if she were flirting and disappearing only to come back the next night (as moons tend to do). However, I almost feel that it sounds repetitive as it and do not think it would harm to take out a few lines that sound repetitive and add a bit of overkill.
In line four, "reveils" bothers me for some reason. I almost wanted you to stick more with unveils or reveals, the mix didn't sit well with me.
I loved the line "a rhythmic dance, celestial style" very classy and slick. Flowed beautifully.
"You box up time, it makes it go" felt too simplistic. I think if you changed the pronouns it might add more effect. Example, "We box up time, she lets it go". I'm not sure if I'm losing your meaning by doing that but maybe work with that line a bit until you find it suitable and effective.
I absolutely LOVE "exit it left, entry from right". Perfect summary of your concept. I almost wish you would have ended it here instead of adding the bit about gravity and sea. I think that takes away from the Lady herself. Overall, fabulous job.
In line four, "reveils" bothers me for some reason. I almost wanted you to stick more with unveils or reveals, the mix didn't sit well with me.
I loved the line "a rhythmic dance, celestial style" very classy and slick. Flowed beautifully.
"You box up time, it makes it go" felt too simplistic. I think if you changed the pronouns it might add more effect. Example, "We box up time, she lets it go". I'm not sure if I'm losing your meaning by doing that but maybe work with that line a bit until you find it suitable and effective.
I absolutely LOVE "exit it left, entry from right". Perfect summary of your concept. I almost wish you would have ended it here instead of adding the bit about gravity and sea. I think that takes away from the Lady herself. Overall, fabulous job.