01-20-2016, 11:14 AM
Casey,
Rev1
"Time" would seem sufficient for the title. The current one sets one in the mind of some kind of romance novel.
I have no problem with the incidental rhyme, although it is true that the first two lines causes one to anticipate a pattern that does not materialize, and to that extent it is disruptive to the reading.
There seems a confusion as to whether the "he" Time is a Father figure:
"who kisses me hello with golden dawn,
soothes my wounds with balm."
or a lover:
"...he moves slowly when I want him to go fast,
stands still when things are unbearable,
speeds when I want a moment to last..."
Thus causing a bit of Freudian cognitive dissonance and making the poem feel unstable, as though it does not know what it means to be.
Some section seem almost gratuitous and probably could be done away with without any great loss:
"To learn the art of balancing hourglasses
and walking without watching the sand drain
is in vain. Only for a little while can one fight."
None of these lines really say much of anything other than to incorporate words related to time.
Especially egregious "the art of balancing hourglasses"?
"Only can a little while can one fight" what? And why is one fight "a little while" whatever that is. syntax.
Certainly it does not need the writer's admittance of being uninspired for that to be obvious. For the most part this is disjointed and mechanical, just as one would expect from something that is being forced. I congratulate the writer that it is not more so and commend her awareness on the difference between the two types of writing.
Regardless, a certain amount of skill shows through and for some this would rank as a masterpiece, instead of just being rank.
I excitedly look forward to your more inspired poetry.
Best,
dale
Rev1
"Time" would seem sufficient for the title. The current one sets one in the mind of some kind of romance novel.
I have no problem with the incidental rhyme, although it is true that the first two lines causes one to anticipate a pattern that does not materialize, and to that extent it is disruptive to the reading.
There seems a confusion as to whether the "he" Time is a Father figure:
"who kisses me hello with golden dawn,
soothes my wounds with balm."
or a lover:
"...he moves slowly when I want him to go fast,
stands still when things are unbearable,
speeds when I want a moment to last..."
Thus causing a bit of Freudian cognitive dissonance and making the poem feel unstable, as though it does not know what it means to be.
Some section seem almost gratuitous and probably could be done away with without any great loss:
"To learn the art of balancing hourglasses
and walking without watching the sand drain
is in vain. Only for a little while can one fight."
None of these lines really say much of anything other than to incorporate words related to time.
Especially egregious "the art of balancing hourglasses"?
"Only can a little while can one fight" what? And why is one fight "a little while" whatever that is. syntax.
Certainly it does not need the writer's admittance of being uninspired for that to be obvious. For the most part this is disjointed and mechanical, just as one would expect from something that is being forced. I congratulate the writer that it is not more so and commend her awareness on the difference between the two types of writing.
Regardless, a certain amount of skill shows through and for some this would rank as a masterpiece, instead of just being rank.
I excitedly look forward to your more inspired poetry.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.