01-19-2016, 09:45 PM
I actually think the end rhymes work for this poem. I could see it as a children's book; illustrations could go with the rhyming couplets. If you wanted.
In "each night reveils more of her face" should 'reveils' be 'reveals'? Probably just a typo.
For some reason I felt like the final two lines were an abrupt ending. Maybe another numbered verse with a few more than two lines, for a finish? Expand on the idea of the reader, (or whoever you intend), finding they "are the sea". Do a few lines building up to "And drawn by her gravity, you might find you are the sea."
Or maybe do this:
1)
Shy Lady Moon, she doesn't show
all of her face at once, you know?
She turns around in gentle pace,
each night reveils more of her face
until you see her, full and bright,
to silver day she turns the night
For her we dance, to her we pray
and then she slowly turns away.
2)
Watching her indulging play,
she'll turn towards you and away,
a rhythmic dance, celestian style.
So? She turns around once in a while.
This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go.
3)
And while you watch she picks up pace,
she leaves you blind - you see her face
and smile, and leg and bossoms veil,
a baby´s birth, a fingernail.
A thrillig show, a dance of night,
Exit to left, entry from right.
And drawn by her Gravity
you might find you are the sea.
I might just have OCD and want everything to be symmetrical. Whatever you decide, I loved how you worked with imagery and personification to create a beautiful poem.
In "each night reveils more of her face" should 'reveils' be 'reveals'? Probably just a typo.
For some reason I felt like the final two lines were an abrupt ending. Maybe another numbered verse with a few more than two lines, for a finish? Expand on the idea of the reader, (or whoever you intend), finding they "are the sea". Do a few lines building up to "And drawn by her gravity, you might find you are the sea."
Or maybe do this:
1)
Shy Lady Moon, she doesn't show
all of her face at once, you know?
She turns around in gentle pace,
each night reveils more of her face
until you see her, full and bright,
to silver day she turns the night
For her we dance, to her we pray
and then she slowly turns away.
2)
Watching her indulging play,
she'll turn towards you and away,
a rhythmic dance, celestian style.
So? She turns around once in a while.
This rhythm serves to be a shelf
and stimulus for time itself.
The turning round, the to and fro,
you box up time, it makes it go.
3)
And while you watch she picks up pace,
she leaves you blind - you see her face
and smile, and leg and bossoms veil,
a baby´s birth, a fingernail.
A thrillig show, a dance of night,
Exit to left, entry from right.
And drawn by her Gravity
you might find you are the sea.
I might just have OCD and want everything to be symmetrical. Whatever you decide, I loved how you worked with imagery and personification to create a beautiful poem.