Snowmelt

[ellajam]

I'm not sure whether your poem is haiku or simply a micro poem.  Either way, perhaps "be still" should be either the last phrase in a one line haiku or the last line in a three line haiku with "awakens" standing alone as the second line. Otherwise, the logic of what you're saying doesn't work for me.  In addition, if the poem is haiku, probably best not to personalize.  Instead, you could substitute "a" for "my."  Also, posting poems with photos can be tricky.  In this case, the photo contributes to creating the cliche.  Maybe if you substituted another phrase that is a more creative way of suggesting "bleeding," the poem be stronger.  I especially like the basic idea of the poem and its brevity.  If you revise, I hope you'll post it again.

Hi, Sharon, welcome to the Pen

Good points all, particularly the "my", also that the picture makes the cliche worse instead of tolerable. I'm far off track here, really was more playing with the app than anything else. Maybe I'll try to make a decent poem of it, thanks for the encouragement. Oh, and I was aiming for 3 lines, shifting awakens, or maybe awake, or emerges, who knows?, is a good idea. We'll see.