Father Died

[71degrees]

Hi 71 Degrees,

This is hard for me to give critique on.  I really like your second and third stanza.  I think this could be a very potent and pretty piece, but for me there are some issues in the first stanza.  As I was reading the comparisons didn't quite make a proper impression because I was distracted by the salt somehow leading to the night father died and etc.  I can see that father screaming to die alone could be a dose of straight table salt, but just the taste of salt is mentioned (which I do not find a bad thing...people add it to things to improve the taste).

(I don't think the night father screamed being compared to the taste of table salt quite works for me. It seems to me that following mention of the night he died that I am wanting more profound statements than a glass of water and barefoot in the grass. Then it seems the narrator is making quite a jump to the more unpleasant detail of missing light in family photos).
Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air (This is beautiful)
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death, (I like this ending.  Why?  I suppose because is about a cycle, so it is a nice comparison.)
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Glad you like stanzas 2 & 3. I will take another look at stanza 1. Was trying to get across the fact that the death was a "basic"...much like table salt or water. Obviously not coming across. We are so often shocked about one of more happening events in our lives. Thanks for your reservations here. I will revisit.

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Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos.

How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath.

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't.

Hey,

I was wondering, why did you put the lines
"the night father screamed at you 
to leave his room so he could die,"
between the salt and the glass of water, which are more basic known things?

I would have preferred seeing these lines at the end of the first stanza, and maybe after building up the different known things you are listing by order of intensity. And having these lines in the end of the first stanza would coordinate in structure with the last line of the second stanza.

For the second stanza, I don't know if the last line "You also know, he won't." is necessary. Or maybe it should be said differently. My idea is that you could maybe use the geese as an implicit image of hope, or a wish. But then, that would be the way I would have wanted to write the poem and not yours.

Overall, this is a very nice poem, and I am just being picky because there's not that much to add.

Thanks for the read!


Alex

Thanks for the look and comments, Alex. Please see my response above to Casey R. Pretty much answers the "why" of the placement of the "scream" image. I will take another look. Appreciate all your comments.

---

I

Most things are known throughout a life:
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos. a semicolon after die might make it less confusing. The list, though, looks a bit random. It might be better to stick with 'things you remember from the day father died' rather than 'things you remember'
How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath. beautiful

You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't. .....too prosaic. i am assuming that the Canadian geese is a referred to spring. The world does in winter and is reborn in spring, but father does not return. It's not coming out as such in your lines.

Nice poem. Writing from a phone makes my crit above a tad cryptic pethaps. Hopefully still intelligible

I have yet to see a semi-colon make anything read better And these, random basic things are the things I remember. Thanks for the comments. Appreciate your POV here.