01-16-2016, 08:18 AM
Two comments:
You seems to be trying overly had to use obscure or difficult language, which only makes the poem more difficult to understand, it does not make it more profound, or even worth saying. Example of the language usage:
"Nil rest for the lonely lady"
There is simply no justification for using the word "nil" in this context, notwithstanding it is used incorrectly.
Secondly, if there needs to be an explanatory note, it should be at the end of the poem, pointed to by an asterisk, or by numbered footnotes.
On the positive side there are some nice image and fun word play, however if I were not reviewing this for the site, I doubt I would ever stick around past the first stanza and a half.
A certain universality is always necessary if a poem is to succeed, and this extends to the language used.
Best,
Dale
You seems to be trying overly had to use obscure or difficult language, which only makes the poem more difficult to understand, it does not make it more profound, or even worth saying. Example of the language usage:
"Nil rest for the lonely lady"
There is simply no justification for using the word "nil" in this context, notwithstanding it is used incorrectly.
Secondly, if there needs to be an explanatory note, it should be at the end of the poem, pointed to by an asterisk, or by numbered footnotes.
On the positive side there are some nice image and fun word play, however if I were not reviewing this for the site, I doubt I would ever stick around past the first stanza and a half.
A certain universality is always necessary if a poem is to succeed, and this extends to the language used.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.