01-12-2016, 09:30 AM
Dale, thanks for the lambast. Didn't think it was directed to me, and I actually appreciate your comments. You noted most everything I didn't like about the poem myself. But I needed help to get some advice where it was principally failing so I can push it on.
Where to begin. I really think this was undercooked. It was written way too fast and after I hit the submit button I thought, Oh, no....
I have always resisted labels, either naturally or through cussedness. The last lines where to indicate the ones that stuck that I am proud of. Screwed that up twice, missed uxor for wife when I am a husband. Sigh. Alternate language was being playful, not being overly clever
Will have to do a major re write if this survives. Again, thanks. I haven't written a poem in 20+ yrs, I know it shows but I am learning faster now. It's like playing darts, the first few are wild but then I get closer. THis one missed the board and maybe wounded a cat.
PS German: German heritage way back. And I did indeed change the title. Mea culpa.
Where to begin. I really think this was undercooked. It was written way too fast and after I hit the submit button I thought, Oh, no....
I have always resisted labels, either naturally or through cussedness. The last lines where to indicate the ones that stuck that I am proud of. Screwed that up twice, missed uxor for wife when I am a husband. Sigh. Alternate language was being playful, not being overly clever
Will have to do a major re write if this survives. Again, thanks. I haven't written a poem in 20+ yrs, I know it shows but I am learning faster now. It's like playing darts, the first few are wild but then I get closer. THis one missed the board and maybe wounded a cat.
PS German: German heritage way back. And I did indeed change the title. Mea culpa.