01-11-2016, 11:10 PM
acrostic explains a lot, but it seems you sacrifice the elegance/smoothness of the poem for the acrostic.
L1 Starting without an indefinite article makes this ambiguous. Regardless of intent, the ambiguity does not seem to benefit the line. Of course adding "The" to clarify would screw the acrostic, which is in miniature what is generally the problem with this poem. The content has been sacrificed for the form. I could give examples but this is mild so I will refrain.
BEYOND ACROSTIC
I am having problems with the postscript, postlude, codicil, addendum, et al.
"You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.
Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper." (Why would a wife stop? Not to be sexist, but as a general rule a married woman would tend not to stop, I'll not go into the reason.)
Especially the last line: Wife-Father-Doctor? I see nothing in the rest of the poem that connects or justifies this usage. To me (and this is because I am this way) it feels as though you are just trying to be clever. There is really no reason to use alternate language words here, they serve no purpose at all.
As Old English was basically German, there are many cognates between the two languages and that it stuck in your mind is hardly justification to saddle the title with the word "Helfer" which BTW looks more like "heifer" (cow), than helper.
In terms of the postscript, you might want to consider dropping it altogether as it has no part of the acrostic, so just on that note it confuses the issue.
Anyway, I doubt you will like my commentary very much, but what is happening in this poem is not that much different (outside of the P.S.) than when people do all sorts of odd syntactical deformations to make the meter work in a sonnet. So I don't want to leave you with the idea I am lambasting you to any great degree. Just a small degree
look forward to future revisions,
Best,
dale
P.S. With a name like aschueler, you shouldn't have needed to take two years of German. I had to, just to get my undergrad degree, but it was helpful when I sang the role of "Papageno".
I wanted to be a star.
Yet, they cast me in comedic roles.
I could never understand why,
as I am a Sirius guy.
L1 Starting without an indefinite article makes this ambiguous. Regardless of intent, the ambiguity does not seem to benefit the line. Of course adding "The" to clarify would screw the acrostic, which is in miniature what is generally the problem with this poem. The content has been sacrificed for the form. I could give examples but this is mild so I will refrain.
BEYOND ACROSTIC
I am having problems with the postscript, postlude, codicil, addendum, et al.
"You even furnished me with a new label
to explain to yourself why I stopped.
Uxor, pater, doctor, now helper." (Why would a wife stop? Not to be sexist, but as a general rule a married woman would tend not to stop, I'll not go into the reason.)
Especially the last line: Wife-Father-Doctor? I see nothing in the rest of the poem that connects or justifies this usage. To me (and this is because I am this way) it feels as though you are just trying to be clever. There is really no reason to use alternate language words here, they serve no purpose at all.
As Old English was basically German, there are many cognates between the two languages and that it stuck in your mind is hardly justification to saddle the title with the word "Helfer" which BTW looks more like "heifer" (cow), than helper.
In terms of the postscript, you might want to consider dropping it altogether as it has no part of the acrostic, so just on that note it confuses the issue.
Anyway, I doubt you will like my commentary very much, but what is happening in this poem is not that much different (outside of the P.S.) than when people do all sorts of odd syntactical deformations to make the meter work in a sonnet. So I don't want to leave you with the idea I am lambasting you to any great degree. Just a small degree
look forward to future revisions,
Best,
dale
P.S. With a name like aschueler, you shouldn't have needed to take two years of German. I had to, just to get my undergrad degree, but it was helpful when I sang the role of "Papageno".
I wanted to be a star.
Yet, they cast me in comedic roles.
I could never understand why,
as I am a Sirius guy.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.