01-11-2016, 06:12 PM
I
(01-10-2016, 04:33 AM)71degrees Wrote: Most things are known throughout a life:Nice poem. Writing from a phone makes my crit above a tad cryptic pethaps. Hopefully still intelligible
like table salt, how it tasted
the night father screamed at you
to leave his room so he could die,
a glass of water, walking barefoot in grass,
or the absence of light in family photos. a semicolon after die might make it less confusing. The list, though, looks a bit random. It might be better to stick with 'things you remember from the day father died' rather than 'things you remember'
How early morning autumn pulls the air
out of you, like reading a poem
all in one breath. beautiful
You know even after a death,
Canadian geese will return.
You also know, he won't. .....too prosaic. i am assuming that the Canadian geese is a referred to spring. The world does in winter and is reborn in spring, but father does not return. It's not coming out as such in your lines.

