01-11-2016, 10:31 AM
Are mosquitoes made of chitin? They never seemed so when I squeezed them. Seemed kind of mushy, but I'm sure you are correct. So, nice image if a person is not ignorant of mosquitoes being made of chitin. 
" Larva plump like rice" You are missing a verb. You are using plump like fat, not like "plump" a pillow. So "Larva fat like rice. If you said "The Larva plumped the rice" you would be using it as a verb. What action is "plump" doing and to whom?
Well there is some iambic, then there is some trochee, then... If you say you used the enjambment to make the meter work by definition that is forced. I disliked it as it didn't really seem to do much other than say "look here - enjambment". I do not see that it moves the poem along contextually, rhythmically, or any other way. But back to the meter. milo would be better at me than this. I abhor scanning lines but, into the night...or is it into the storm (unfortunately not Sue).
The dark and o-ily blood of din-o-saurs
co-ag-u-lates re-mote in des-ert bores
suck-led by the gnat-tish maws of plat-forms.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth (off rhyme, barely, but I like it)
of pre-hi-stor-ic heart-beats melts the ice
to water palm trees. Larva plump like rice
in stag-nant swamps. Mos-quit-oes, long and thin,
shake the air off of their wings in ec-sta-sy. (no rhyme)
The si-ren clout of din-o-blood's temp-ta-tio-n
draws them from the trop-ics. Led a-stray, (no rhyme)
bear-ing min-us-cule con-quis-ta-dors:
pro-to-zo-ans wave their whip-like flags (no rhyme)
and pray in chap-els made of chit-in.
Ma-rooned where prey is bit-ten
by the in-sect's thirst-y dril-ling,
his-to-ry re-peats
in min-i-a-ture. (could be a rhyme with conquistadors, but it is very far a part, but I have been known to do the same.)
Nope, don't see it. Although I will admit to there being more rhythmic phrases than I originally thought. However the lack of consistency and the fact that in many cases the patterns are disruptive rather than energetically moving the piece along kind of puts the whole rhythm thing in the negative I'm afraid. I'm sure my scanning isn't the best, but it is adequate. There is the rule of three, where when there are three unstressed syllables the middle one gets stressed, however that applies when there is some consistent iambic and that is not occurring here. However, you could ask milo, he is our resident expert on meter, he might scan this different. I am always happy to be wrong.
Still, I think there are some things you might want to learn about because you obviously have some good ideas, it would be a shame to spoil them from lack of skill. Skill can be learned, talent you've either got or you do not.
I had a friend named Duncan Brown, a virtuoso in terms of skill on the trumpet, unfortunately he had no soul, so although he played note perfect, it was the most bland and unexciting music I have ever heard.
Best,
Dale
" Larva plump like rice" You are missing a verb. You are using plump like fat, not like "plump" a pillow. So "Larva fat like rice. If you said "The Larva plumped the rice" you would be using it as a verb. What action is "plump" doing and to whom?
Well there is some iambic, then there is some trochee, then... If you say you used the enjambment to make the meter work by definition that is forced. I disliked it as it didn't really seem to do much other than say "look here - enjambment". I do not see that it moves the poem along contextually, rhythmically, or any other way. But back to the meter. milo would be better at me than this. I abhor scanning lines but, into the night...or is it into the storm (unfortunately not Sue).
The dark and o-ily blood of din-o-saurs
co-ag-u-lates re-mote in des-ert bores
suck-led by the gnat-tish maws of plat-forms.
Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth (off rhyme, barely, but I like it)
of pre-hi-stor-ic heart-beats melts the ice
to water palm trees. Larva plump like rice
in stag-nant swamps. Mos-quit-oes, long and thin,
shake the air off of their wings in ec-sta-sy. (no rhyme)
The si-ren clout of din-o-blood's temp-ta-tio-n
draws them from the trop-ics. Led a-stray, (no rhyme)
bear-ing min-us-cule con-quis-ta-dors:
pro-to-zo-ans wave their whip-like flags (no rhyme)
and pray in chap-els made of chit-in.
Ma-rooned where prey is bit-ten
by the in-sect's thirst-y dril-ling,
his-to-ry re-peats
in min-i-a-ture. (could be a rhyme with conquistadors, but it is very far a part, but I have been known to do the same.)
Quote:Apache wrote: "While there are a couple of times I stray from the main rhythm, the poem is written in a pretty consistent meter."
Nope, don't see it. Although I will admit to there being more rhythmic phrases than I originally thought. However the lack of consistency and the fact that in many cases the patterns are disruptive rather than energetically moving the piece along kind of puts the whole rhythm thing in the negative I'm afraid. I'm sure my scanning isn't the best, but it is adequate. There is the rule of three, where when there are three unstressed syllables the middle one gets stressed, however that applies when there is some consistent iambic and that is not occurring here. However, you could ask milo, he is our resident expert on meter, he might scan this different. I am always happy to be wrong.
Still, I think there are some things you might want to learn about because you obviously have some good ideas, it would be a shame to spoil them from lack of skill. Skill can be learned, talent you've either got or you do not.
I had a friend named Duncan Brown, a virtuoso in terms of skill on the trumpet, unfortunately he had no soul, so although he played note perfect, it was the most bland and unexciting music I have ever heard.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.