Thirst

[Apache]

I wrote a crit earlier, but you didn't find it 'constructive' enough, so I replaced it with the version above.
The image you're trying to create is undermined by factual inaccuracy and glaringly false analogies.

On the other hand, some of the lines read quite well, so you've certainly got a knack for writing.

Wait, what other crit? When I look at the thread I only see my two posts before yours ... am I missing something? 

Anyway, thank you for your feedback. I don't agree with a lot of what you've said (of course oil isn't ACTUALLY dinosaur's blood, the language is pretty blatantly figurative), but you've still given me some good suggestions to think about.

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Thank you for your feedback, Erthona! There are a couple of things I want to comment on/ask about specifically:

Pumped into the sky to burn, the warmth of prehistoric heartbeats melts the ice to water palm trees. (Use enjambment judiciously) Is this a sentence? What is pumped? Pumped is the verb, but there is no subject, following pumped is a dependent clause. 

The subject is "the warm of prehistoric heartbeats". Maybe the meaning isn't entirely clear, but strictly speaking it is grammatically correct.

Larva plump like rice in stagnant swamps. (Dependent clause. No verb in this one. "Larva was/is plump...")

Plump IS a verb. Or, rather, plump can be used as a verb, adjective, noun, OR adverb, depending on the context.  As a verb, "plump" means "to grow plump". I think it works very well in this context, but if you disagree I'll consider changing it. 

The siren clout of dino-blood's (dino's-blood's, personally I'd write the word out, the poem gains nothing from the abbreviated "dino", calls to mind the "Flintstones" ) temptation draws them from the tropics. (Again ad hoc use of enjambment. I'm sorry but this whole line is just awkwardly said. If the writer is meaning to say that the burning of fossil fuels is warming the environment and causing the mosquitoes that carry malaria to move beyond their normal range, it is not very clear, nor very elegant. I think it starts with "siren clout" which should be "siren's clout", but either way it is a clumsy usage. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but it just is and another needs to be found. I can appreciate trying to avoid cliche, but "siren's draw" would be better than "clout". Plus with "blood" being so close it is easy to think of "clot".) 

Well, to be fair, I used clout specifically because of the similarity with clot to keep the whole blood metaphor consistent throughout. But your other comments are well put. You are correct about what the attempted meaning of the phrase was. I'll fiddle with this more to make it more apparent.

Led astray, bearing minuscule conquistadors: protozoans wave their whip-like flags and pray in chapels made of chitin. I had to read this line several times before I understood the meaning. I think a better word than bearing is in order, maybe "infected by". In this situation "Bearing" is to ambiguous, and this is a place one does not want to be ambiguous, although I do like the image "minuscule conquistadors". Don't really get the reference to the "chapel of chitin". That doesn't really seem to fit what is being said.

Well, mosquitoes are made of chitin (or, rather, their exoskeletons are). So chapel of chitin is just referring to them being inside the mosquitoes, and chapels is just trying to emphasize the conquistador analogy, as they were so heavily motivated by religion. 

as well as no discernible rhythmic pattern. So while the idea is certainly a workable, even a good one, much work is needed to justify whatever form or formlessness is put around it. Even in free verse there is form. I think the piece could benefit from a martial rhythmic pattern similar to what Whitman did in the battle descriptions in "Leaves of Grass"; as the writer is describing war is he not? Humanity's war on the earth, the parasites war on man. Both thinking it can kill off the host and continue on. Nice irony there. Anyway, good luck with this. Look forward to future revisions. 

I appreciate all of your feedback, it was very helpful. But I am a bit confused by your comment that there is no discernible rhythmic pattern, and your description of this as "free verse." While there are a couple of times I stray from the main rhythm, the poem is written in a pretty consistent meter. In fact, some of the enjambment you dislike is primarily a result of the attempt to maintain that metric pattern. So I don't really know how to take that piece of your advice.

While we are on the subject, could you be more specific about WHY you dislike the enjambment I've used? Do you think it's distracting? Awkward/Forced? Do you dislike every instance of it in this poem, or only some of them?

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Anyway, thank you! A lot of great comments by both of you. I'll work on a revision and post it.

(Side note: why does it still say "Threads: 1" under my user information? This is my second thread!)