Beat (rev 1 Apache, header change , added Austin Texas)

[Magpie]

Dale,

I've read this a fair few times now and every time I read it I seem to discover more and more layers, references and possibilities within. I love all the play on words and sounds that run through the whole thing, although because of this (and probably my mind) I may have even been trying to find meanings in some phrases that weren't even meant as a play on words. I would say that this poem asks the reader to work quite hard at times, which is not a bad thing generally and I for one didn't mind. Whether or not I managed to understand everything you were trying to convey is yet to be seen. I should also point out that I noticed you had already previously posted this poem in the thread '2nd Annual Poems About Suicide Month', earlier this year. Which meant that I couldn't help but cross-reference between the two and wonder about certain lines or phrases that were different. I probably shouldn't have confused matters by doing this, but it's done now and I'll ask possibly ask later about the final line of the first poem that was omitted in this version.

Beat
 
-Last week of October- Austin, Texas
 
Sittin’ on a leaning bench against a left tilting post-hunter S. 
top sun photovoltaic green solar cell lamp on Cons-egress, 
Aah-Ben-new, ferblocks arso sowth of the 
Stay-it Cap-pee-tall Bill-ding sits an old man 
who thinks he is still younger than twenty-nine.

- A good 'Ginsberg-esque' long descriptive sentence that sets the 'beat' style well. There seems to be so much information in here and I could probably write a few hundred words on it, but I'll stick to some main points. I think the 'leaning bench' is a judicial reference of sorts especially with the mention of Congress Avenue. I'm unsure whether it is a straight reference to a 'leaning' towards a certain political persuasion or 'leaning' as in corrupt. 'left tilting' just after it sort of clears it up whilst at the same time adding to my confusion. If it was meaning 'corrupt' could it be better as 'Sittin' on a broken bench'. Hunter in post-hunter S. should possibly be capitalised if it is referencing the name, or so I thought until now, but I see that it may also be that S. is also 'Society' as well as an initial of a name (very clever). If top sun is a company name should it be capitalised? I think you could lose 'green solar cell' and still convey your intended meaning as all photovoltaic lamps have solar cells in them, so it's slightly redundant. I have no problem with all the many many play on words, although I do enjoy that style anyway, others may find it distracting when it is used so many times in a poem. 'Cons-egress' is good and seemed straight foward at first when I though it was 'cons' as in criminals, but now I've seen that it could possibly be Cons. as an abbreviation for Conservatives the political party (I suppose it's all the same in some peoples minds) Is 'twenty-nine' a reference to Ginsberg's age when he wrote 'Howl'?

Wearing steely gray strands 
of  hair-over blue collared work shirt,- Is 'work' necessary here with the 'blue collar' mentioned just before? Also there is a repetition two lines down and that 'work' seems to be more necessary. 
jeans drywell worn out bottom topped-out 
shirt-slick Red-Wing non-union work boots. - More excellent wordplay and euphemisms in these two lines. I especially like 'non-union' and its link to 'work' as well as meaning a broken bone that doesn't heal.
Overall a pretty good look foray-bum - Presuming that 'overall' is also a reference to work clothing could it here be pluralised which would be more accurate whilst also possibly fitting in with the dialect ie 'overalls - overall it is' - It might just be a British thing to want it pluralised
without a smoke to his name.
 
He has long pointy Allen Ginsburg hands 
that nervously and continuously turn - if you dropped 'and' and even possibly hyphenated 'nervously-continuously' it would emphasise the sense of a continuous nervous motion
the Ann also Ryand  pages - I presume it's 'an also ran', although I never got the name references. 
of a dark cheap blue fie-dolla-journal - I like the use of colour words like 'dark' and 'blue' in the whole poem and their double meanings, however on the first couple of readings, on lines like this one I didn't get it immediately and even now when I read it I get more of a feeling of awkward syntax even though I know that not to be the case.
with lines, on-lines, of scragglie-scrawlie scribble-script 
from an ex-tree’-super-duper fine punt-bald-pount pæn. - I like the use of the a-e ligature here and its meaning of 'almost' and how it explains the characters despair and hopelessness. I'm unsure of its use as a prefix on its own. Although 'pen' which is essentially the same prefix obviously wouldn't stand out the same way that 'pæn' does. Ironically though a prefix of 'almost' that prefixes nothing is brilliant indeed... I've confused myself now, I'll think some more about it later perhaps.
 
One limp-wristed Ginsburg hand  is currently holding - Oh, I meant to mention this before, is 'Ginsburg' an intentional alternative spelling of 'Ginsberg' or not. It threw me at first and I thought it was a spelling mistake but after thinking about it I could see possible reasons for an intentional mis-spelling. 
this self-same pæn, while the other, somewhat dainty hand, - is 'somewhat dainty hand' needed here? without it in it reads the same without over emphasising his homosexuality. Or is that the intention
with overly long yellowed nails,
thumbs thru the tepid tissues of ledger, note' leaf, - the use of the word 'ledger' here is interesting and makes me think in terms of business transactions (metaphorical or otherwise) instead of written poetry which was my first thought
as the jaundiced handowner looks up with his
2% milk -fat lipid pale blue cataract eyes, - more excellent use of colours describing more than just colour in these two lines. If there was a similar way of saying blue using a different word like the way you have done with yellow and jaundiced then it would be good to use in a couple of places where you have used 'blue' which is the most used colour reference in the poem perhaps on the verge of being over-used.
as the fingers continuing to stroll, - could drop 'as the' here and I feel it reads smoother
unconsciously down the imaginary jelly-roll lane
of the collective racial mass memory storage retaining area.  - All my previous critique written above was written about 3 hours ago and it was my intention to critique the whole poem with the thoughts I had until I came to these lines here which for some reason I perceived differently this time and therefore had to go away and think again about the whole thing. Are these two lines a reference to a racial stereotype, with 'jelly-roll' being black slang for female genitalia. I'm wondering now if I misinterpreted certain parts and in some ways I don't want to look stupid by saying what I now think but I'm going to say it anyway. Is this the black Ginsberg (the reason for the alternative spelling?) that 'almost' made it but never would because of societies sweeping stereotypes about black society and in particular black men. All the many references to colours throughout.
 
“Hey brother,” 
 
The old man rumbles out raspilly - Is 'raspilly' correct? some dictionaries say 'raspily' is a word although others don't
over fibrous strands of nicotine-filigreed mucus, - love this line and the contrasts between filigreed and mucus
to a young pauser passing to slowly by. - did you mean 'too'? 
 
“Spare a square?” - coupled with the quote above, this is an interesting reference to "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?" an 'anti-system' song from the great depression era. It works well in the context of the poem.
 
Young hand reaches into the over-priced light blue 
Cool Arrow shirt pocket and pulls out a nearly empty 
pack of Yellow Injuns that he hands to the old man. 
 
“These do?”
 
“Sure man, thanks., ’preciate it.”
 
The Ginsburg hand fondles 
the small white phallic symbol, 
rolling it back and forth between two fingers, - perhaps lose 'back and forth'
feeling the tobacco crumple under the pressure,
then tamps it several times - could drop 'then'. 'tamps' is an excellent choice of word
before bringing it to the thin, dry lips 
waiting to milk it,  
like venom is milked 
from poisonous snakes. - although I understand why you wanted to use 'poisonous' it feels redundant because you say 'venom' in the previous line
As the open flame ignites the tip: 
he sucks hard 
and extracts the combustible offering. - I think this stanza could be more effective if written slightly differently by cutting a lot of the smaller words like 'as' and 'the' so that it reads more choppy and frenetic towards the climax.
 
The old man draws deep the blue tinted 
nick-‘O’-teen laced smoke with a sigh, - this comes across in basic terms as 'he inhaled/breathed in with a sigh' whereas the sound of a sigh would come with an exhale or breathing out
a sound that echoes 
out the ancient cadaverous abyss - I like the description here however 'cadaverous' is a visual description of something which doesn't work for me when describing 'lungs' which are unseen
that are his lungs.
 
Straightly, Cool Arrow asks,
 
“What’s in the book?”
 
“This man? Just a little belles-lettres on beat.” - 'belles-lettres' sounding like 'belletrist' -- "the man is a little belletrist on beat" -- Absolutely brilliant 
 
“Really? You a writer?’
“Sorta. I was almost famous once.
Got my brain bashed by a bottle of wine,
that Neal Cassady hit me with.”
 
“Wow, what happened?”
 
“Got five stitches man.”
 
“No, I mean, why did he do it.”
 
“Oh, I said that some stuff he wanted me to read, 
by his boyfriend Kerouac’s sucked!”  
 
“Man,” spurts Cool Arrow, 
“You must be ancient,
that was like fifty years ago?”
 
Youth! Bringing on the feeling of sudden tiredness. 
The old man’s head nods in a non-committed 
committal way of a beetle1
The old man's attention turns back to his very cheaply 
worn dark blue fie-dolla journal. 
 
Cool Arrow, unaware of being dismissed,
wonders off in a Ritalin deficiency haze 
thinking of strong coffee, - I really like this stanza here and even think that on its own it could make and excellent short poem with the odd word tweaked. However in the context of the poem I think it might be best to separate the 'strong coffee' in a definite way from the next three lines because as it is it reads a bit like 'strong coffee' is part of the list that follows. Perhaps something like 'in need of strong coffee, he thought of,' and then the three lines.
long nylon’d legs, 
painted pouty lips, 
and  augmented udders.
He is a child of this new age: 
artificial doesn’t bother him.
He was suckled on it. - I kind of agree with Mercedes that here seems the appropriate end for the poem, but then since my possible revelation earlier on I can see a justification for the final part of the poem.
 
 
-One week latter Cool Arrow, reading the daily rag-
 
“Unknown man remains hanging from tree on walking trail between 
town-lake and the “Austin-American-Stateman,”newspaper for three days: 
Witnesses said they thought it was a Halloween prank. 
Several people thought it was the most life-like display 
they had ever see, and sure to win first place. 
 
“Yes,” said one 
 
 
Even down to that God-awful smell. V-e-r-y Authentic.” 
 
The only possession found was small dark blue journal book.
The writing in which was mostly unintelligible 
and gave no clue as to the man’s identity. 
Anyone who might know the identity of this individual 
is asked to please contact the city police ”      
 

The ending baffled me before and I didn't quite understand why he had killed himself. Although now I can see the significance as a symbol and a statement on society, stereotypes and race. Perhaps it is best for me not to totally say what my interpretation is, partly in case I'm wrong but mostly because a critique should probably not dwell too much on an interpretation. Hopefully there is more critiquing in what I have written than pondering interpretations. 

Thanks for the read,

Mark

  awarded by mod/dale