01-09-2016, 06:53 AM
Well, it is something. However, I think it is precisely that. Personally (maybe I'm just blind), I don't see a lot of technical aspects to this. It seems to say precisely what the words say and not much else. I think the same effect can be achieved in ten words or less here. The only thing that would allow this poem to have significant depth would be the inclusion of "God," but there is nothing else to indicate in which direction the reader should dig. Some punctuation would be nice, where applicable, as I don't see a reason why this poem shouldn't have it.
(Nothing says you can't do more than three reviews before posting original work.)
(Nothing says you can't do more than three reviews before posting original work.)
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona