01-08-2016, 08:09 AM
It's going to take me a while to go through this and give a proper line-by-line (or even stanza-by-stanza) critique, but the one thing that really sticks out at me:
Several times you are clearly using or emphasizing a vernacular. For example, in the lines:
"Aah-Ben-new, ferblocks arso sowth of the
Stay-it Cap-pee-tall Bill-ding sits an old man"
and
"from an ex-tree’-super-duper fine punt-bald-pount pæn."
Maybe I'm just not familiar with whatever accent or dialect you are going with, or maybe you are intentionally going with several distinct ones, but I am having a very difficult time finding a consistent voice. I'm not finding that the different patois connect with each other, such that I find I end up reading it different each time. I just legitimately don't know which one you are trying to convey.
For example, line 15, you say "fie-dolla-journal", which I read like a stereotypical African-American accent (which would certainly go well with the Beat theme you have going on; the Beats were notoriously obsessed with African-American culture). But lines like "fine punt-bald-pount pæn" sound either Southern drawl or British depending on how you read it.
Several times you are clearly using or emphasizing a vernacular. For example, in the lines:
"Aah-Ben-new, ferblocks arso sowth of the
Stay-it Cap-pee-tall Bill-ding sits an old man"
and
"from an ex-tree’-super-duper fine punt-bald-pount pæn."
Maybe I'm just not familiar with whatever accent or dialect you are going with, or maybe you are intentionally going with several distinct ones, but I am having a very difficult time finding a consistent voice. I'm not finding that the different patois connect with each other, such that I find I end up reading it different each time. I just legitimately don't know which one you are trying to convey.
For example, line 15, you say "fie-dolla-journal", which I read like a stereotypical African-American accent (which would certainly go well with the Beat theme you have going on; the Beats were notoriously obsessed with African-American culture). But lines like "fine punt-bald-pount pæn" sound either Southern drawl or British depending on how you read it.