01-07-2016, 06:44 AM
Try not to use a cliche as a title.
S1L5 "voices" is redundant.
S2L1 "Arms" do not reside, they especially do not reside around.
"Bulging arms residing around me.
Determined to feed me to my fate"
How can "arms" be determined? I was unaware they possessed cognition.
S2L2 Considering the nature of "fate" or "one's fate" the idea of being fed to it seems somewhat odd.
Grammar is always a good thing to consider.
S2L2,3-4
"Determined to feed me to my fate looming in the stifling air chants of insanity reside within me..."
Punctuation is also nice to consider so the reader can tell where one thought ends and another begins.
The affectation of starting each line with a capitol letter was dropped in typesetting in the mid 1955's. Why it was ever done is somewhat of a mystery. I conjecture that it had to do with the method of printing up until that time and the letters had to be hand set, thus the first letter of a line (in poetry) was capped as a marker. The reason this still appears in text books today is the copyright has yet to run out on the poetry that uses the more modern style, and anthologies do not like to pay money to be able to print poetry in their books, so they stick to the older poetry that is in the public domain and which uses the older style of type setting. However, since capping the first letter of each line makes it more difficult on the reader, and today it is seen as an affectation such as center justify, like is seen in books of poetry on old ladies coffee tables which are never read, it is generally discouraged. If it is a problem in MS Word, the auto cap can be turned off. I believe under tools->options.
As this is "Novice Poet and Critic" I should stop here so as not exceed the verbosity limit, of which I am often accused. However, one last general note. The idea of poetry is to make the most out of ones words, here it seems as though the writer is trying to make the lest of his words. More meaning, less words.
Try starting with something less complex, something you know better, than something that has already been well covered many times before. Just observe a normal everyday thing and try and see it from a different perspective than people generally see it. Just a suggestion.
Best and welcome to the site,
dale
S1L5 "voices" is redundant.
S2L1 "Arms" do not reside, they especially do not reside around.
"Bulging arms residing around me.
Determined to feed me to my fate"
How can "arms" be determined? I was unaware they possessed cognition.
S2L2 Considering the nature of "fate" or "one's fate" the idea of being fed to it seems somewhat odd.
Grammar is always a good thing to consider.
S2L2,3-4
"Determined to feed me to my fate looming in the stifling air chants of insanity reside within me..."
Punctuation is also nice to consider so the reader can tell where one thought ends and another begins.
The affectation of starting each line with a capitol letter was dropped in typesetting in the mid 1955's. Why it was ever done is somewhat of a mystery. I conjecture that it had to do with the method of printing up until that time and the letters had to be hand set, thus the first letter of a line (in poetry) was capped as a marker. The reason this still appears in text books today is the copyright has yet to run out on the poetry that uses the more modern style, and anthologies do not like to pay money to be able to print poetry in their books, so they stick to the older poetry that is in the public domain and which uses the older style of type setting. However, since capping the first letter of each line makes it more difficult on the reader, and today it is seen as an affectation such as center justify, like is seen in books of poetry on old ladies coffee tables which are never read, it is generally discouraged. If it is a problem in MS Word, the auto cap can be turned off. I believe under tools->options.
As this is "Novice Poet and Critic" I should stop here so as not exceed the verbosity limit, of which I am often accused. However, one last general note. The idea of poetry is to make the most out of ones words, here it seems as though the writer is trying to make the lest of his words. More meaning, less words.
Try starting with something less complex, something you know better, than something that has already been well covered many times before. Just observe a normal everyday thing and try and see it from a different perspective than people generally see it. Just a suggestion.
Best and welcome to the site,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.