01-06-2016, 09:18 PM
The irresistible incentive to love another
Is one Truly unmatched
The True bliss of her soft lips
Is a True, divine gift
Her zephyr-like gaze, entrenched with the deepest sapphire
Has pierced the depths of my unreachable soul
A stroke undisputedly delighting caresses my skin
She must be an angel, undoubtedly akin
The tranquil air melts, the hourglass drips
I tell myself "Loves not Times fool"
Her lips become vapid and wearisome
The sapphire shade fades into apparition
His bending sickle's compass came
Only to reveal the nightmare Life-in-Death
The irresistible incentive to love another
Is one without True Intentions
I really like that the first line repeats and so offers a sense of closure.
I might be just caught up too much in my own concerns about rhythm lately, but some lines feel clunky to me and I catch myself rewriting as I read.
Line 1 stanza 2 I desperately want to change to:
“Her zephyr gaze, entrenched with deepest sapphire” But that might just be a predictable lunge towards blank verse on my part.
The next two lines just throw me: the first (Has pierced the depths of my unreachable soul) because it feels overly obvious, a tad melodramatically teenaged, sorry.
And the next (A stroke undisputedly delighting caresses my skin) because I can’t find a way to read it aloud that doesn’t leave me in a tongue twisted mess.
The closing line though I love (She must be an angel, undoubtedly akin) there is a strangeness there that stems from “akin” hanging on its own, when we are so used to seeing it followed by the preposition “to”. I like that a lot.
The shift in stanza 3 feels a little abrupt to me too, I wonder if there is not another verse that could jump in there and soften the blow.
Is it just me, or would “death in life” match the idea of love’s loss better? Maybe that’s just the way it felt when my heart last got shattered though.
Finally, I’d be drawn to make “intentions” into “intention”, it just feels broader, maybe a little deeper.
I critique and feel like a fault finder, which is a shame as there is so much there that I genuinely like, above all that opening line
Is one Truly unmatched
The True bliss of her soft lips
Is a True, divine gift
Her zephyr-like gaze, entrenched with the deepest sapphire
Has pierced the depths of my unreachable soul
A stroke undisputedly delighting caresses my skin
She must be an angel, undoubtedly akin
The tranquil air melts, the hourglass drips
I tell myself "Loves not Times fool"
Her lips become vapid and wearisome
The sapphire shade fades into apparition
His bending sickle's compass came
Only to reveal the nightmare Life-in-Death
The irresistible incentive to love another
Is one without True Intentions
I really like that the first line repeats and so offers a sense of closure.
I might be just caught up too much in my own concerns about rhythm lately, but some lines feel clunky to me and I catch myself rewriting as I read.
Line 1 stanza 2 I desperately want to change to:
“Her zephyr gaze, entrenched with deepest sapphire” But that might just be a predictable lunge towards blank verse on my part.
The next two lines just throw me: the first (Has pierced the depths of my unreachable soul) because it feels overly obvious, a tad melodramatically teenaged, sorry.
And the next (A stroke undisputedly delighting caresses my skin) because I can’t find a way to read it aloud that doesn’t leave me in a tongue twisted mess.
The closing line though I love (She must be an angel, undoubtedly akin) there is a strangeness there that stems from “akin” hanging on its own, when we are so used to seeing it followed by the preposition “to”. I like that a lot.
The shift in stanza 3 feels a little abrupt to me too, I wonder if there is not another verse that could jump in there and soften the blow.
Is it just me, or would “death in life” match the idea of love’s loss better? Maybe that’s just the way it felt when my heart last got shattered though.
Finally, I’d be drawn to make “intentions” into “intention”, it just feels broader, maybe a little deeper.
I critique and feel like a fault finder, which is a shame as there is so much there that I genuinely like, above all that opening line