01-06-2016, 07:35 AM
I am going to have to agree with others in that it lacks the irony or a substantial turn it would require to make this more than just a rather juvenile rant. I assume taht this is the POV of a rather back woods narrator not the actual author but it doesn't contain the elements necessary to raise it to even the level of crass light verse - it is not really humorous but rather sad and there is not demonstrated facility for either rhyme or meter. My suggestion would be to think of what could be the redeeming value of either the narrator or the POV and to try to focus on that.