01-06-2016, 04:48 AM
Hey, first critique from a new member here, so forgive my trespasses.
I am struck by individual lines with your poem as much as I am by the full effect, which itself I like.
Reading aloud that third line jumped out for its rhythm and clarity “A headless reed arched, stronger than the rest” That just sounds so elegant, and even a comma before arched wouldn’t mess it up any. I’d respectfully disagree with Erthona’s edit there; the blank verse rhythm it too good to lose for me. And the poem does read aloud very well as it stands.
The next line that hits me is the second in the second stanza, the couplet works so well: the preceding line broken into two equal(ish) parts by the question mark and then the rush of “from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole” It puts me in mind of bits of Browning with his rushes of speech in blank verse.
“Damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel” gets that pause and rush effect into one line and that really works for me too.
On the downside, I absolutely agree with weeded that “What did it mean” and “Hail nature” clang a little: the first because it is too idiomatic in a poem that is not, the second because it feels overly declamatory (kinda by definition if you are gonna use the word “hail”) so we seem to veer into some Victorian grand manner for moment.
When I messed myself with the first line of those two phrases the possibilities that struck first were:
“and for meaning?” or
And the meaning?” or
“And a meaning?”
Or replace “and” with “but” in any of them
Though I make those suggestions very tentatively, based on the grounds that they allow the rhythm to work as it is.
Still above all it worked really well for me.
I am struck by individual lines with your poem as much as I am by the full effect, which itself I like.
Reading aloud that third line jumped out for its rhythm and clarity “A headless reed arched, stronger than the rest” That just sounds so elegant, and even a comma before arched wouldn’t mess it up any. I’d respectfully disagree with Erthona’s edit there; the blank verse rhythm it too good to lose for me. And the poem does read aloud very well as it stands.
The next line that hits me is the second in the second stanza, the couplet works so well: the preceding line broken into two equal(ish) parts by the question mark and then the rush of “from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole” It puts me in mind of bits of Browning with his rushes of speech in blank verse.
“Damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel” gets that pause and rush effect into one line and that really works for me too.
On the downside, I absolutely agree with weeded that “What did it mean” and “Hail nature” clang a little: the first because it is too idiomatic in a poem that is not, the second because it feels overly declamatory (kinda by definition if you are gonna use the word “hail”) so we seem to veer into some Victorian grand manner for moment.
When I messed myself with the first line of those two phrases the possibilities that struck first were:
“and for meaning?” or
And the meaning?” or
“And a meaning?”
Or replace “and” with “but” in any of them
Though I make those suggestions very tentatively, based on the grounds that they allow the rhythm to work as it is.
Still above all it worked really well for me.