01-05-2016, 11:21 PM
Thanks to all the critics. This one may take a bit of time (and a few more hints?) to properly edit. In the mean time...
@Achebe - Your further remarks will be very educational! These little tidbits from different cultures are always fascinating... such as the old joke, "Add commas to the description of the wombat and you have [Australian] men: 'Eats roots and leaves." (So do Australians fall about laughing when they hear the lyrics of "Take me out to the ball game?" Inquiring minds want to know.) Only beware honi soit qui mal y pense, as they say.
@Weeded - It will be interesting to see what that line looks like without (some of its) commas, and what can be done to reduce the preaching and abstractions in the third stanza. Good critique of a lightweight poem - thanks!
@Emz - Glad you enjoyed it. Will try "hanged by the neck" to make the execution reference clearer. Perhaps a title change to "Hanged Bottle" would also turn off @Achebe's giggles? Probably not
. Trimming/combining some excess lines is a good idea.
@Achebe - Your further remarks will be very educational! These little tidbits from different cultures are always fascinating... such as the old joke, "Add commas to the description of the wombat and you have [Australian] men: 'Eats roots and leaves." (So do Australians fall about laughing when they hear the lyrics of "Take me out to the ball game?" Inquiring minds want to know.) Only beware honi soit qui mal y pense, as they say.
@Weeded - It will be interesting to see what that line looks like without (some of its) commas, and what can be done to reduce the preaching and abstractions in the third stanza. Good critique of a lightweight poem - thanks!
@Emz - Glad you enjoyed it. Will try "hanged by the neck" to make the execution reference clearer. Perhaps a title change to "Hanged Bottle" would also turn off @Achebe's giggles? Probably not
. Trimming/combining some excess lines is a good idea.
Non-practicing atheist