01-05-2016, 10:32 AM
The Receiving State
Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.
Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.
I know that the “shoes” are referring to the little girl, but it’s an awkward read in the second stanza and doesn’t add anything to the poem. Shoes cannot feel and you just introduced us to the ‘little red shoes” in the first sentence of the poem so there is no need to remind us so soon, of who you are referring to. I don’t feel like it’s needed there.
Also, I am confused by “In lonely rows,”
Is she missing people in lonely rows from home, or is she in lonely rows, missing people while watching the clothes line? Depending on how I read it, it can go either way. I almost want to place a period after line and allow “Singing” to be the beginning of a new sentence.
Overall, the piece evokes a lonely sadness in me and your final two lines, “Trying to remember Calcutta kisses, and hope in a turmeric sky.” are beautiful.
You have the beginning of an awesome piece here. Thanks for sharing it.
TB
Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.
Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.
I know that the “shoes” are referring to the little girl, but it’s an awkward read in the second stanza and doesn’t add anything to the poem. Shoes cannot feel and you just introduced us to the ‘little red shoes” in the first sentence of the poem so there is no need to remind us so soon, of who you are referring to. I don’t feel like it’s needed there.
Also, I am confused by “In lonely rows,”
Is she missing people in lonely rows from home, or is she in lonely rows, missing people while watching the clothes line? Depending on how I read it, it can go either way. I almost want to place a period after line and allow “Singing” to be the beginning of a new sentence.
Overall, the piece evokes a lonely sadness in me and your final two lines, “Trying to remember Calcutta kisses, and hope in a turmeric sky.” are beautiful.
You have the beginning of an awesome piece here. Thanks for sharing it.
TB