01-04-2016, 01:26 PM
8209,
I like the idea of this poem. I like the metaphors, as well as the imagery. I like a lot about this poem actually, but I feel like the things I like are overweighed by the things I don't. You have a lot of content here, which is excellent, I could critique this in a line-by-line format but since it's in novice i'll try to remain general.
The first thing that strikes me as off are some of your sentences. Take the first two for example, they are very fragment-ish and could do with a rewrite. You also have a lot of sentences that seem to miss periods. I get you're trying to be poetic on the last line, but I personally don't think it works as well as an actual sentence in place of the two would.
Overall an awesome first attempt, I'd basically just work on your sentences and go from there.
Mike
I like the idea of this poem. I like the metaphors, as well as the imagery. I like a lot about this poem actually, but I feel like the things I like are overweighed by the things I don't. You have a lot of content here, which is excellent, I could critique this in a line-by-line format but since it's in novice i'll try to remain general.
The first thing that strikes me as off are some of your sentences. Take the first two for example, they are very fragment-ish and could do with a rewrite. You also have a lot of sentences that seem to miss periods. I get you're trying to be poetic on the last line, but I personally don't think it works as well as an actual sentence in place of the two would.
Overall an awesome first attempt, I'd basically just work on your sentences and go from there.
Mike
Crit away