Signs

[Weeded]

Hi,  

In your piece down below I have some suggested edits in the form of things I think could be cut and one area of rewording.  My main criticism for you is with your title.  I do not think your title indicates much to the reader (or at least me).  I saw in your comment that this is intended to be about astrological signs in the sky, astronomy.  I did not get that because the title didn't tell me much.  Just signs is not specific enough IMO.  Once I know that this is literally about astronomy, this piece is romantic in a love story kind of way.  Without me knowing that this was about actual stars I found it strange and sexual like Billy with the flame and the explosion.  So with some clarity added to the title I think this is good with some trimming needed here and there.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like into a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until  finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

Casey,
Thanks for the feedback. I agree with you on the title, it was a very lazy choice for a title if I must say. I personally think of the movie Signs everytime I see it lol... but I'll definitely take your suggestions into account on the next edit, thanks again