01-04-2016, 09:13 AM
Thanks!
I think the solution is to either change the title, or put a couple of lines in between "...constellations of coffee stains" and "the red eyed frenzy...", to make the barista connection a bit more explicit. I can't think of another place in the poem where it would fit without a pretty thorough rewrite. I'll have to think about this and see if I can think of something.
Added a second revision. I think the added part feels a bit clumsy at the moment, personally, but I was wondering if people liked the direction I took it in, per ellajam's advice. The barista is mentioned explicitly, and I think there is a nice visual simile by moving from talking about the coffee stains on the tables with the dark circles under the barista's eyes (to imply they are tired/stressed). I'm not sure if the "stubborn parapet" may be overdoing it, though? The grammatical structure of the second half is a bit hazier, now, too. What do people think?
I think the solution is to either change the title, or put a couple of lines in between "...constellations of coffee stains" and "the red eyed frenzy...", to make the barista connection a bit more explicit. I can't think of another place in the poem where it would fit without a pretty thorough rewrite. I'll have to think about this and see if I can think of something.
Added a second revision. I think the added part feels a bit clumsy at the moment, personally, but I was wondering if people liked the direction I took it in, per ellajam's advice. The barista is mentioned explicitly, and I think there is a nice visual simile by moving from talking about the coffee stains on the tables with the dark circles under the barista's eyes (to imply they are tired/stressed). I'm not sure if the "stubborn parapet" may be overdoing it, though? The grammatical structure of the second half is a bit hazier, now, too. What do people think?