01-04-2016, 12:27 AM
Posted a revision. Taking Emz advice and some of ellajam's advice into mind.
I'm still not sure about the first-line. I changed it now to "Bound by right-angles". I like the "angles / hydrangeas" bit, because of the alternating ANG/ANJ sounds, although I'm afraid it might not add enough to the poem to justify keeping it. I also changed "implodes" to "imploding", which makes more sense the way that sentence is structured, even if I think "implodes" sounds a bit better.
What do people think? Do people agree with ellajam that the end analogy is too obscure?
I'm still not sure about the first-line. I changed it now to "Bound by right-angles". I like the "angles / hydrangeas" bit, because of the alternating ANG/ANJ sounds, although I'm afraid it might not add enough to the poem to justify keeping it. I also changed "implodes" to "imploding", which makes more sense the way that sentence is structured, even if I think "implodes" sounds a bit better.
What do people think? Do people agree with ellajam that the end analogy is too obscure?