Taking Flight [Major Revision-New Title]

[ellajam]

Hi, emz, first of all I like the tone of this, there's a softness to it that leaves a feeling of confusion and wonder with an undertone of nervousness that travel can bring. That's a distinct combination that I think is worth writing about. Some notes below.

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases: This line doesn't do it for me and I don't think this is what the poem is talking about.
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west.
I like the idea of following the sun setting off thoughts of the west but I think you can think of a more interesting way to say it.
 
The plane to New York
follows east. Follows is odd, I think something else would be better.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 I like the way you talk about the days lost/found. You may be able to expand on it.

A verse for starlight gazes. I'm not sure why you announce the verse, it's like you're taking me out of the poem instead of letting me stay in it.
Stars that I know
down south, where I live, These two lines could be said in a more interesting way.
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
I like the whole idea of being disoriented by a different sky, something that seems as firm as the ground under our feet.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go: Tense issues here
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.
I like the around the world image but again, dig a little deeper for words that will grab me.

I hope you can improve the imagery without losing the tone of the poem and underlying emotions. Good luck with it, hope enjoy working on it.