The Destination

[REW]

Revision of Revision

Under the arch of brow
is a world of geometry:
within the heated expanding center
passions,
through the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity;
the beam,
love warm and illuminating.
 
Your lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides my ship against choppy waves
pierces opaque fog so that I
may dock in our harbor, home
to gaze into your colored kaleidoscope.
lost in a circle, delighted in an oval,
sad to ever see a crescent leak a tear.



Original (original title, A Journey)

Through the arch of a brow
is a world of geometry:
in the heated expanding center
passions,
in the pigmented light
a soul,
in the focus
intellectual curiosity,
the beam
love warm and illuminating.
 
A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
guides a ship to dock in the harbor
and I am home.

I really like what you are trying to do here, but it does not really flow well together. Try focusing on one metaphor instead of the two or three you have. Ex. write the poem using allusions to how the lighthouse is your beacon for where you are going to, pulling you out of where you have been. Or instead use the kaleidoscope, saying the colors the lighthouse shines represent different things in your eyes and the geometry is whomever you are speaking of. Trying to mix the two ideas together becomes confusing and wordy, but I like the idea!

Thank you for your feedback.  I ended up with what I think is a final revision.  Ultimately, I think I am happiest with just a light tweaking of the original for the sake of the spontaneity it originally had.  I tend to struggle with revisions...