01-03-2016, 11:41 AM
Better line breaks would help. Sometimes, I feel with Haiku especially, the the overall visual impression of the text matters.
In your original, the first line appears to almost be a street, with the birds below it. Not that that couldn't be an intentional irony or contradiction, but I didn't get the sense that that was the point.
If you wanted to tighten it, you could just say "above street noise", as in:
Above street noise
three birds find
harmony.
or even
above street noise
three birds find
harmony
but since it is not too long yet, you might want to consider finding an image for the street noise, rather than generic "street noise" -- so, "above the honking cars" (I wouldn't use "honking", just wanted to illustrate). If you picked a good image for the noise it could create a lovely counterpoint or juxtaposition to the birds.
You could even formally break it to increase the effect, such as:
[your street noise image] --
above, three birds
find harmony
Just ideas to bounce around.
In your original, the first line appears to almost be a street, with the birds below it. Not that that couldn't be an intentional irony or contradiction, but I didn't get the sense that that was the point.
If you wanted to tighten it, you could just say "above street noise", as in:
Above street noise
three birds find
harmony.
or even
above street noise
three birds find
harmony
but since it is not too long yet, you might want to consider finding an image for the street noise, rather than generic "street noise" -- so, "above the honking cars" (I wouldn't use "honking", just wanted to illustrate). If you picked a good image for the noise it could create a lovely counterpoint or juxtaposition to the birds.
You could even formally break it to increase the effect, such as:
[your street noise image] --
above, three birds
find harmony
Just ideas to bounce around.