01-02-2016, 11:48 AM
The metaphor you've chosen to interrogate futility is both apt and evocative. Rain on windshields is almost universally appreciable to readers.
That said, you have some issues with continuity, and an slightly awkward dissonance between Rain as a perpetual and life sustaining cycle, and a Drop as the individual act of futility you are exploring. This is not an insurmountable problem at all. it only requires you to frame those two aspects clearly.
I've noted below where I think you have issues and how you could adapt to resolve.
Please forgive the rewrite, but to address my points, you could adapt along the lines of the following;
The rain ticks and taps my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of each drop's final expression;
streaming down my glass ending
lifeless in a puddle.
Why should they fight battles
in the war rain wages
on gravity;
rising as cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
Please do not take this critique as a negative, I thoroughly enjoyed your piece, and will keep an eye out for any edits. Really looking forward to seeing how you develop this.
Well done.
That said, you have some issues with continuity, and an slightly awkward dissonance between Rain as a perpetual and life sustaining cycle, and a Drop as the individual act of futility you are exploring. This is not an insurmountable problem at all. it only requires you to frame those two aspects clearly.
I've noted below where I think you have issues and how you could adapt to resolve.
(01-01-2016, 02:20 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The drips tick and tap my windshield i agree with other's observations of drips and drops as requiring some adaptation. how exactly, I'll leave to you.
as obedient wipers erase all impact lovely internal rhyme with tap
of rain drops' final act of expression I think you need punctuation of some form here, rather than running into your next stanza.
Streaming down my glass ending in a lifeless puddle the drop's end may be lifeless, but a puddle is most definitely not. Needs rearranging.
Why should rain wage battles you can wage war, but battles sounds awkward to me. Fight battles perhaps.
against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk? Murk is an odd, but wonderfully effective choice.
Please forgive the rewrite, but to address my points, you could adapt along the lines of the following;
The rain ticks and taps my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of each drop's final expression;
streaming down my glass ending
lifeless in a puddle.
Why should they fight battles
in the war rain wages
on gravity;
rising as cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
Please do not take this critique as a negative, I thoroughly enjoyed your piece, and will keep an eye out for any edits. Really looking forward to seeing how you develop this.
Well done.