01-02-2016, 10:08 AM
(01-02-2016, 04:43 AM)Xctv Wrote: One of my first poems. Feedback is appreciated.Rosanik has some good feedback for you about cliches and abstractions. I will add to also consider word variation. You use the word true or a derivative three times in your first stanza. For me this started to get interesting with the hourglass. It seems like you didn't quite end this...I have the impression that this loved person with the sapphire gaze was only a dream or an illusion...I do not quite get your ending. I think you are saying that one tends to love the wrong person who cannot love back properly?
The irresistible incentive to love another
Is one Truly unmatched
The True bliss of her soft lips
Is a True, divine gift
Her zephyr-like gaze, entrenched with the deepest sapphire
Has pierced the depths of my unreachable soul
A stroke undisputedly delighting caresses my skin
She must be an angel, undoubtedly akin
The tranquil air melts, the hourglass drips
I tell myself "Loves not Times fool"
Her lips become vapid and wearisome
The sapphire shade fades into apparition
His bending sickle's compass came
Only to reveal the nightmare Life-in-Death
The irresistible incentive to love another
Is one without True Intentions
This is a terrific first attempt though...remember to describe using concrete details rather than intellectual (abstract ones) and to use fresh language rather than overused (cliche). Love is a tough one not to use cliche, so you have to reach. I find the hourglass stanza interesting.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau