01-02-2016, 06:18 AM
For a first poem, it's not a bad start.
To take it to the next level, you'll have to drop the cliches and abstractions.
Some specific comments below:
Too many metaphors, and too many of them misplaced.
A wind-like gaze is hard to comprehend.
A wind entrenched with sapphire, that too. I know you're referring to the blue of her eyes, but I'm still thinking zephyr.
I can't imagine air melting....solids melt. Gases can at best turn into plasma.
What's a sapphire shade now? Is it her eye shadow? Or is she the shade? Can a shade fade into an apparition? Isn't 'shade' a synonym for 'spirit' anyway?
I get the Shakespeare and Coleridge allusions, but in the Rime, Life in death did not pop out of Death's bending sickle. He was a separate figure on the skeletal ship. So I don't see the allusions working at all.
To take it to the next level, you'll have to drop the cliches and abstractions.
Some specific comments below:
Too many metaphors, and too many of them misplaced.
A wind-like gaze is hard to comprehend.
A wind entrenched with sapphire, that too. I know you're referring to the blue of her eyes, but I'm still thinking zephyr.
I can't imagine air melting....solids melt. Gases can at best turn into plasma.
What's a sapphire shade now? Is it her eye shadow? Or is she the shade? Can a shade fade into an apparition? Isn't 'shade' a synonym for 'spirit' anyway?
I get the Shakespeare and Coleridge allusions, but in the Rime, Life in death did not pop out of Death's bending sickle. He was a separate figure on the skeletal ship. So I don't see the allusions working at all.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe