01-02-2016, 04:56 AM
(01-01-2016, 02:20 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The drips tick and tap my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of rain drops' final act of expression
I am a bit undecided about this first stanza. On one hand, I disagree with Emma and ronsaik about using "drops" in the first line. I think the stanza sounds measurably worse with the word "drops" repeated like that. On the other hand, I do agree that "drips" doesn't make a whole lot of sense with respect to "tick and tap". If you use the word drips in that first line, "tick and tap" should probably be replaced by verbs that express less the way the rain hits the windshield and more the way it flows down the windshield. So something like "The drips flow down my windshield", or something evoking a similar image. This would also connect neatly with the next line:
Streaming down my glass ending in a lifeless puddle
I like this image, just not the phrasing. I think it would sound better as just "Streaming into a lifeless puddle", or "Streaming down my glass into a lifeless puddle", or something like "Streams ending in a lifeless puddle".
Why should rain wage battles
against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
I'm not a huge fan of "crash back to murk", but overall I like this stanza. I feel like, if you are the type prone to classical allusions, this would be a good opportunity for an Icarus reference. The idea that the clouds get too close to the sun and come crashing back down to Earth.