01-02-2016, 04:28 AM
Overall, I like it. It is definitely a thoughtful poem with an interesting overall message. There are some weird grammatical problems (ronsaik covered them well in his post), and some of the imagery is a little confusing or non-sensical to me. I think there is a fine line between ambiguity and nonsense that can be difficult to find.
Just some quick individual thoughts:
1) What is white font?
2) Removing some line breaks, you have the following sentence: "Apparently, abandoned to the artful, Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences; Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers." I find this a bit confusing. The "abandoned to the artful" doesn't seem to connect with the next two lines, though you present them as a single thought. Is this a grammatical mistake? I can't really tell what you're going for there.
3) Third line of the third stanza: Why are "annuls" and "the human soul" presented as separate sentences? Shouldn't you remove the period there? After all, it seems you are saying technology is anulling the soul, so why separate those thoughts that way?
4) The last two lines, while they sound kind of cool, don't seem to make any real sense to me.
Just some quick individual thoughts:
1) What is white font?
2) Removing some line breaks, you have the following sentence: "Apparently, abandoned to the artful, Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences; Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers." I find this a bit confusing. The "abandoned to the artful" doesn't seem to connect with the next two lines, though you present them as a single thought. Is this a grammatical mistake? I can't really tell what you're going for there.
3) Third line of the third stanza: Why are "annuls" and "the human soul" presented as separate sentences? Shouldn't you remove the period there? After all, it seems you are saying technology is anulling the soul, so why separate those thoughts that way?
4) The last two lines, while they sound kind of cool, don't seem to make any real sense to me.