01-02-2016, 04:16 AM
Thanks ellajam! Your notes are quite welcome and helpful. Given me some good things to think about. I think a solid break after the fourth stanza would break up the run-on sentence. I have a hard time finding a way to rewrite the first four stanzas in separate sentences that I like the sound of.
1) I think you are correct about "right-angled". I believe the right-angled should really be referring to the window-frame, so I should find a way to restructure those lines perhaps (or just drop right-angled entirely). The only reason I kind of like "right-angled hydrangeas" is the contrast between "ang" with a hard G followed by the "ang" with a soft G. But maybe I should just get rid of that.
2) I see what you mean about "bitter rotten". For some reason I just like the sound of those two words together in succession. I will probably lose "rotten".
3) "Night fast" is a pun. Might be a little too esoteric, though. The scene is of a cafe in the morning, so people are getting breakfast and coffee. The origin of the word "breakfast" is literally "break fast", or to break the nightly fast (because you aren't eating when you're sleeping). So the phrase (removing breaks): ""the red-eyed frenzy of the night fast implodes in steam and speed" is referring to the frenzy of getting your morning fix of joe after going without it for so long. Though I'm glad you made me think about it more, because now that I re-read the line the tenses don't make a whole lot of sense. I could change "implodes" to "imploding", which would make more sense, or I could restructure the whole sentence. Any ideas?
4) Fair enough about the last few lines. I could find a way to make the metaphor more clear. The metaphor I am trying to communicate is the idea of the baristas as soldiers under siege. Just an observation from seeing how beleaguered they look behind the counter during the morning rush of people trying to get their breakfast and coffee and such. And there is a nice visual similarity between brewing coffee and boiling oil, a common defensive technique for sieges. Any suggestions for how to make that more clear? I rather like the way I have it phrased, but maybe another stanza in there somewhere to make the connection more explicit?
Thanks again for reading and making suggestions! I'll post an edited version of the poem later this weekend (I'm about to leave to catch a flight, so the next day or two I'll probably be too jet-lagged for this!
)
1) I think you are correct about "right-angled". I believe the right-angled should really be referring to the window-frame, so I should find a way to restructure those lines perhaps (or just drop right-angled entirely). The only reason I kind of like "right-angled hydrangeas" is the contrast between "ang" with a hard G followed by the "ang" with a soft G. But maybe I should just get rid of that.
2) I see what you mean about "bitter rotten". For some reason I just like the sound of those two words together in succession. I will probably lose "rotten".
3) "Night fast" is a pun. Might be a little too esoteric, though. The scene is of a cafe in the morning, so people are getting breakfast and coffee. The origin of the word "breakfast" is literally "break fast", or to break the nightly fast (because you aren't eating when you're sleeping). So the phrase (removing breaks): ""the red-eyed frenzy of the night fast implodes in steam and speed" is referring to the frenzy of getting your morning fix of joe after going without it for so long. Though I'm glad you made me think about it more, because now that I re-read the line the tenses don't make a whole lot of sense. I could change "implodes" to "imploding", which would make more sense, or I could restructure the whole sentence. Any ideas?
4) Fair enough about the last few lines. I could find a way to make the metaphor more clear. The metaphor I am trying to communicate is the idea of the baristas as soldiers under siege. Just an observation from seeing how beleaguered they look behind the counter during the morning rush of people trying to get their breakfast and coffee and such. And there is a nice visual similarity between brewing coffee and boiling oil, a common defensive technique for sieges. Any suggestions for how to make that more clear? I rather like the way I have it phrased, but maybe another stanza in there somewhere to make the connection more explicit?
Thanks again for reading and making suggestions! I'll post an edited version of the poem later this weekend (I'm about to leave to catch a flight, so the next day or two I'll probably be too jet-lagged for this!
)