The Siege (rev 2)

[ellajam]

Hi, Apache, welcome to the Pen, thanks for the critiques you've given others.

Well, that's one long run-on sentence you've got there. Even though it seems grammatically correct personally I'd like a break in there. Some notes below.

"The Siege"

Right-angled
hydrangeas blind
the windowframe
I've never seen right-angled hydrangeas and it's awkward for me to imagine. I also can't see them crossing the window at a right angle. In fact, I don't need L1 at all, L2-3 is beautiful, blind being used in an interesting way.  

to the bitter
rotten clot
of light
I'm not sure why the light is bitter or rotten but one would be enough.

over wrought I love this break.
iron chairs perched
like insects Strong image.


beneath
constellations
of coffee stains
I had pictured the insect-like chairs visible through the table, now I'm thrown off by the solid surface. Still, a good, interesting image.

while the red
eyed frenzy
of the night fast
I don't get "night fast". Night past would bring me to morning.

implodes
in steam and speed:
beleaguered

soldiers boiling
oil for the castle
walls.
No problem with the word beleaguered but I don't get the last six lines at all. In fact, I don't get the siege, either I am missing something that's there or it's not there, I'm lost.

I hope some of my notes help.