Futility edit 1
#3
(01-01-2016, 02:20 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  The Drips tick and tap on my windshield (Drops may work better as ronsaik pointed out)
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of rain drops' final act of expression I really like this stanza. My above suggestions work with plural, but I wonder if it may be better talking about one single rain drop and have that follow through the whole poem. 

Streaming down my glass ending in a lifeless puddle

Why should rain wage battles
against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
I wonder if it may sound better like this:

A drop taps on my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of a rain drop's final act of expression.

Streaming down my glass
into a lifeless puddle
where other drops have fallen.

Why should rain wage battles

against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?

I don't mean to do an entire rewrite for you or anything; I just had a couple of ideas and I hope there is something from this you may like.  

Overall, I enjoyed your poemSmile

Emma
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you
-T.S. Eliot (The Wasteland)

Reply


Messages In This Thread
Futility edit 1 - by QDeathstar - 01-01-2016, 02:20 PM
RE: Futility - by Achebe - 01-01-2016, 06:52 PM
RE: Futility - by Emz - 01-01-2016, 08:56 PM
RE: Futility - by Apache - 01-02-2016, 04:56 AM
RE: Futility - by REW - 01-02-2016, 09:40 AM
RE: Futility - by tomoffing - 01-02-2016, 11:48 AM
RE: Futility - by mlund - 01-03-2016, 05:05 AM
RE: Futility - by MAE27 - 01-03-2016, 08:23 AM
RE: Futility - by QDeathstar - 01-25-2016, 11:05 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by milo - 01-25-2016, 11:41 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by QDeathstar - 01-25-2016, 11:54 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by Brujo - 01-26-2016, 06:19 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by Erthona - 01-26-2016, 07:06 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by QDeathstar - 01-26-2016, 09:43 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by Brujo - 01-27-2016, 03:24 AM
RE: Futility edit 1 - by Erthona - 01-26-2016, 11:18 AM



Users browsing this thread: 2 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!