01-01-2016, 08:56 PM
(01-01-2016, 02:20 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The Drips tick and tap on my windshield (Drops may work better as ronsaik pointed out)I wonder if it may sound better like this:
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of rain drops' final act of expression I really like this stanza. My above suggestions work with plural, but I wonder if it may be better talking about one single rain drop and have that follow through the whole poem.
Streaming down my glass ending in a lifeless puddle
Why should rain wage battles
against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
A drop taps on my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of a rain drop's final act of expression.
Streaming down my glass
into a lifeless puddle
where other drops have fallen.
Why should rain wage battles
against gravity,
rising in a cloud to glimpse the Sun
only to crash back to murk?
I don't mean to do an entire rewrite for you or anything; I just had a couple of ideas and I hope there is something from this you may like.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem

Emma
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you
-T.S. Eliot (The Wasteland)
Why then Ile fit you
-T.S. Eliot (The Wasteland)

