01-01-2016, 08:05 AM
(12-31-2015, 09:56 AM)Casey Renee Wrote:A very good, comfortable poem which clearly expresses its sentiment. After an appreciative cople of reads through, a few thoughts:
- Through the arch of a brow
- is a world of geometry:
- in the heated expanding center
- passions,
- in the pigmented light
- a soul,
- in the focus
- intellectual curiosity,
- the beam
- love warm and illuminating.
- A lighthouse on a craggy cliff
- guides a ship to dock in the harbor
- and I am home.
L1-2 - Some of your most striking lines, but might be improved. The beloved's eye is geometrically *in* the arch of brow; you have its welcoming beam described - which would work with "through" - but it's several lines later. But you use "in" as the starting point of your following descriptions, so it would be over-used here. It's a puzzle, perhaps with no better solution.
L11 - [L]ighthouse on a craggy cliff - a good image, but a scale and orientation change from the previous initimate geometry of the beloved's eye. Is the craggy cliff rough-hewn cheekbone or shoulder? I don't quite see it.
General thought: consider replacing "the," "a" and the like with descriptive words, or with nothing. Pardon the rewrite, but "Through arch of brow/worlds of geometry beckon?" Try removing them all, see how it reads, and re-install only those that are needed for sense or sound.
And finally, the title. To me, a journey is a round trip, or at least the whole of the passage from starting to ending point. Here you only discuss returning home (though it could also be a voyage of discovery, with the discovered signaled harbor sought, yet found unexpectedly). Either way, the whole poem is arrival rather than journey as a whole. A nit-pick, no more.
Please don't take the above as too harsh - I think your poem does everything you meant it to, and does it well. It could, perhaps, do it even better.
Non-practicing atheist