12-31-2015, 11:47 PM
I do like your new version, but in terms of "upon"...which do you think sounds better.
Your teachings is lost on that boy, or
Your teaching is lost upon that boy.
It seems to me "upon" is being used in the same way in your poem as it is in the above example.
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On a side note, what are you using to constitute a haiku. Not to be mean, but I did not recognize this poem as one. I do recognize that people seem to be coming up with all kinds of different forms these days and calling them haiku. Personally, I was never on the wagon for the original as it has nothing to do with Japanese haiku. I just prefer to call it short form poetry. Of course there are many who would disagree with me, but considering Japanese haiku is almost as much visual as it is verbal, the language is highly condensed, it is written vertically and an "on" and a syllable have nothing in common, I don't really see the point of identifying something as a haiku, as the only commonality is the name and that is only a transliteration. Just my take, but then again I am old.
Sooo, when I saw that L2 was long and incorporated a coma, it did not occur to me that this was an attempt at haiku. I always thing of haiku, at least in form, as three lines composed of 5-7-5 syllables, but like I said I know people are doing all sort of variations. That's just my long winded explanation for why I edited the way I did.
Personally, I would not be constrained by made up forms that really do not benefit the poetry. Your idea is a good one and whether you choose to use "upon" or "on", I do like the new version.
Best,
Dale
Your teachings is lost on that boy, or
Your teaching is lost upon that boy.
It seems to me "upon" is being used in the same way in your poem as it is in the above example.
__________________________________________________________________________________
On a side note, what are you using to constitute a haiku. Not to be mean, but I did not recognize this poem as one. I do recognize that people seem to be coming up with all kinds of different forms these days and calling them haiku. Personally, I was never on the wagon for the original as it has nothing to do with Japanese haiku. I just prefer to call it short form poetry. Of course there are many who would disagree with me, but considering Japanese haiku is almost as much visual as it is verbal, the language is highly condensed, it is written vertically and an "on" and a syllable have nothing in common, I don't really see the point of identifying something as a haiku, as the only commonality is the name and that is only a transliteration. Just my take, but then again I am old.
Sooo, when I saw that L2 was long and incorporated a coma, it did not occur to me that this was an attempt at haiku. I always thing of haiku, at least in form, as three lines composed of 5-7-5 syllables, but like I said I know people are doing all sort of variations. That's just my long winded explanation for why I edited the way I did.
Personally, I would not be constrained by made up forms that really do not benefit the poetry. Your idea is a good one and whether you choose to use "upon" or "on", I do like the new version.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.