12-30-2015, 02:05 PM
Hi,
I just joined and have not mastered the system. I copied and pasted your piece and added some comments, but I couldn't see how to bold my words to differentiate them from yours. Anyway, this is an intriguing piece. The title implies a sense of worship for the subject, yet the words in the poem do not. The opaque lady appears negatively. Yet by the end the fault is with the narrator. Are you saying the narrator is the reason why the lady is impenetrable in the first place? The first stanza is excellent. Then the meaning becomes a little opaque. Perhaps this is your intention. I do think your piece has great potential, but could use a little tweaking for the sake of clarity.
Our Lady The Opaque
I will not look at you
your eyes and your face and your hands
I hold them in the blurred periphery
like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away (I like your first stanza, especially the holding in the blurred periphery and the glowing brighter when the speaker looks away)
I will not see through you
your face and the mind beyond it (maybe get rid of and here and substitute with to or into)
I halt my guessing at your feet
whatever fears or desires pulse therein (this part is a little confusing...being at the feet implies a sense of worship, but
you do not need me to draw them from you that doesn't appear to be the case here. Her desires do not pulse in her feet. I would try to convey what you mean differently here for clarity.)
I will not touch you
your mind opaque and voice a mist (you already referenced the opaqueness of the mind earlier in previous stanza.)
I know the venom in my hands (Okay so the speaker is somehow toxic. But why would she be fading quick enough without the speaker's help?)
and the spines on my tongue
you are fading quick enough without my help
Hi Casey, thanks for a solid start to your critiquing. You will find tips on how to use code for bold, italics etc here or alternatively, if you click the REPLY button in the bottom right of the thread it will open up a Word-like screen where you can just mouse-select and format. (My REPLY button has blacked out for some reason and I've only just noticed, I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but if it is then it's the tiny little black box at the bottom right hand corner of the thread). Regards/ Admin
I just joined and have not mastered the system. I copied and pasted your piece and added some comments, but I couldn't see how to bold my words to differentiate them from yours. Anyway, this is an intriguing piece. The title implies a sense of worship for the subject, yet the words in the poem do not. The opaque lady appears negatively. Yet by the end the fault is with the narrator. Are you saying the narrator is the reason why the lady is impenetrable in the first place? The first stanza is excellent. Then the meaning becomes a little opaque. Perhaps this is your intention. I do think your piece has great potential, but could use a little tweaking for the sake of clarity.
Our Lady The Opaque
I will not look at you
your eyes and your face and your hands
I hold them in the blurred periphery
like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away (I like your first stanza, especially the holding in the blurred periphery and the glowing brighter when the speaker looks away)
I will not see through you
your face and the mind beyond it (maybe get rid of and here and substitute with to or into)
I halt my guessing at your feet
whatever fears or desires pulse therein (this part is a little confusing...being at the feet implies a sense of worship, but
you do not need me to draw them from you that doesn't appear to be the case here. Her desires do not pulse in her feet. I would try to convey what you mean differently here for clarity.)
I will not touch you
your mind opaque and voice a mist (you already referenced the opaqueness of the mind earlier in previous stanza.)
I know the venom in my hands (Okay so the speaker is somehow toxic. But why would she be fading quick enough without the speaker's help?)
and the spines on my tongue
you are fading quick enough without my help
Hi Casey, thanks for a solid start to your critiquing. You will find tips on how to use code for bold, italics etc here or alternatively, if you click the REPLY button in the bottom right of the thread it will open up a Word-like screen where you can just mouse-select and format. (My REPLY button has blacked out for some reason and I've only just noticed, I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, but if it is then it's the tiny little black box at the bottom right hand corner of the thread). Regards/ Admin
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau