just had a couple of of reads of the edit and it's a huge improvement. i also prefer the format.
the main problem for me are the line ends/enjambment and word use [those pesky small words that do to little. here's a breakdown of the first stanza.
Across the bridge forms would Forms be a better first word instead of the last word?
blend; eyes hazed, minds would numbed work better here?
numbed, in circles they saunter.
Back upon themselves
glide shadows, as [no need for [as]
silhouettes dance on this works, it make the reader pause and before they realize there's more, it adds tension; this is what enjambment should do you may have to say [dancing] if you lose [as]
bleak cobbled stone.
Breathtakingly ignorant why? of what? are these two line of musing really needed?
yet achingly blissful.
seems a lot but it isn't. and of course they're just suggestions for you to use/leave as you see fit. a further suggestion would be to go through the poem using a similar style of treatment. you've already made it twice as good as it was. there's still a few edits to go in order to make it a good poem. well done
the main problem for me are the line ends/enjambment and word use [those pesky small words that do to little. here's a breakdown of the first stanza.
Across the bridge forms would Forms be a better first word instead of the last word?
blend; eyes hazed, minds would numbed work better here?
numbed, in circles they saunter.
Back upon themselves
glide shadows, as [no need for [as]
silhouettes dance on this works, it make the reader pause and before they realize there's more, it adds tension; this is what enjambment should do you may have to say [dancing] if you lose [as]
bleak cobbled stone.
Breathtakingly ignorant why? of what? are these two line of musing really needed?
yet achingly blissful.
seems a lot but it isn't. and of course they're just suggestions for you to use/leave as you see fit. a further suggestion would be to go through the poem using a similar style of treatment. you've already made it twice as good as it was. there's still a few edits to go in order to make it a good poem. well done