The Hoi Polloi

[billy]

hi and welcome to the site.

does center align work better than left adjust? don't use so many commas. the first stanza is buried underneath them. the repetition in the poem adds too little and there are lots of parts that say the same thing. the gucci stanza seems out of character with the rest of the poem. i can see the poem in the words but it's a lot shorter and darker. the title makes me think of the masses but the poem feels like it's trying to show a darker more specific side of such.

The masses, He not sure the enjambment gets the required effect here. would it be stronger if you moved vociferates up?
Vociferates, laugh and jest,
Drink and be merry, [to] be merry, or and [are] merry.
Breathtakingly ignorant,
Achingly blissful. would an [and] at the beginning add something to this line/stansa?

Across the bridge forms
Blend, eyes hazed, minds
Numbed, in circles they
Saunter, back upon themselves,
Glide the shadows, as
Silhouettes dance on
Bleak cobbled stone. for me you need a transitional word or two. normally i advise editing such words out but here the lack of such hinders the read. there feels to be to much going on and for me it stops me focusing on what's being said. which is a shame because i do get a sense of the atmosphere portrayed.

Adamantine chains bind;
Stark and stripped, myriads lie,
As prowls the Beast, all what is the connection to [as prowls the beast, all] and [lights extinguished]?
Light extinguished,
Herding its prey. needs a reworking. as is it's too far away from this reader to take seriously.

Out of the club they
Spilt, raucously a word suggestion would be [spilled]
Giggling- Taxi! they, the enjambment doesn't comprehend. hold the reader with an extended pauuse but give him something that makes him go "yes, i see what's being done here"
Cried, eyes dimly bright on
Hanging feet-fixated heads- same here and above, don't force enjambment let it find it's own pause. use it to add surprise or wonder
Oh- What wonderful brogues!
Naturally, oxblood is very ‘in’ this Winter.
How utterly splendid. this line goes perfectly with the line above. maybe use quotation marks for speech?
Indeed.
But… Gucci favour burgundy.
For how long now?
Better part of a month.
How mortified I am; there- a pair have been ordered.
How utterly splendid. the repetition fails to earn it's wages.
Indeed.

Shapes crawl towards nothing,
To darkness reach;
On fours they
Loiter with passive disregard.
Content are they, for the
Mind can conjure a
Heaven of Hell- and
What light have they known?

Decisions loom,
Futures hover with
Impending regret.
What choices shall be made-
Today and tomorrow,
as eternity beckons?
To revel in glorious apathy-
shall I watch a little Netflix
- or is a joint enough?

Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
See light, in rare lucidity, for
ethereal beauty so staggering.
Painful? Yes. But stunning,
Nevertheless.

They awaken,
In ones and twos,
From blissful slumber,
Standing, before the darkness
Visible, to embrace that last
Inch of greatness, and
Horror,
Too long held captive-
Shocked they flinch from
Light so blinding, as
Flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
Beast appears, as man
Himself chastises,
Cowering to mental confines,
And the ranks of the
Hoi polloi, in their
Intoxicating naïvety, and
Compelling simplicity.