12-28-2015, 03:16 AM
Dear Minu,
you wanted "serious workshopping", and I hope my critique, my first one ever(!), will at least do some of the workshopping, even if it is lacking the seriousness.
1) Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? something to do with the
2) Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.
3) Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
4) Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.
5) A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?
_____________________________
1) I can somewhat relate to the term "carnivorous waste". I am not sure, if I get the picture right, but for me it seems to have something to do with the idea that in order to get 1kg of meat from a cow you need more than 10kg of corn. To eat meat we waste food: carnivorous waste. But, since the rest of the poem is hardly touching on the subject, I am not sure if I even got this picture right.
2) Here already we leave the topic (or the topic as far as I understood it.) I guess you are relating to other problems our society is dealing out. We burn fossil fuel, and we are never satisfied with what we have, we always want more. And, yes, there are people saying one of the main problems with society is how it is changing it's views on themes such as homosexuality, freedom of religion (or not having one) and equality between men and women, to name a few. I can't say I agree, but this is what I understood from your lines.
3) I like pleonasms, so you got me on that one. But then, why are you suddenly breaking up the rhyme? why does it say "Cons lie /Hope dies,", when I guess it could just aswell say "Cons lie, /Hopes die,"? And, even though I have tried my hardest I could not relate to the perfect screams. Maybe you could explain?
4) Here you are loosing me. Ringing bullets? But then I do like the end of this verse, the part with the pawns. Have you considered pulling verse 3 & 4 together to make one out of them? Take the first two lines of 3 and the last two of 4, I think they go together well.
5) Again, I find the first two lines really have something going for them. It is so easy to flip a switch and to see the results of this without knowing anything about the background of how this switch works. The narrator here seems to be complaining about morals being switched on and off in the same way you might use a lightswitch to turn the lights on and off, to suit your needs and without any consideration for the background. Unfortunatly I can't get the picture you are painting in the last two lines.
And, to be honest, all the rest of the poem seems to be there to prolong it. If I may point out the one phrase in the rest of the poem, that I DID like, it was "Fingered blame". How you point the finger at someone to blame him for something. I like the way you have shortend this.
All in all I think the poem has got some really good ideas and thoughts, but they are all so mixed up and too fast. I guess you have been trying to make the poem "mirror" the fast paced world it is talking about. Maybe by structuring it a little more you make it easier for your reader to follow your train of thoughts.
you wanted "serious workshopping", and I hope my critique, my first one ever(!), will at least do some of the workshopping, even if it is lacking the seriousness.
1) Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? something to do with the
2) Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.
3) Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
4) Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.
5) A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?
_____________________________
1) I can somewhat relate to the term "carnivorous waste". I am not sure, if I get the picture right, but for me it seems to have something to do with the idea that in order to get 1kg of meat from a cow you need more than 10kg of corn. To eat meat we waste food: carnivorous waste. But, since the rest of the poem is hardly touching on the subject, I am not sure if I even got this picture right.
2) Here already we leave the topic (or the topic as far as I understood it.) I guess you are relating to other problems our society is dealing out. We burn fossil fuel, and we are never satisfied with what we have, we always want more. And, yes, there are people saying one of the main problems with society is how it is changing it's views on themes such as homosexuality, freedom of religion (or not having one) and equality between men and women, to name a few. I can't say I agree, but this is what I understood from your lines.
3) I like pleonasms, so you got me on that one. But then, why are you suddenly breaking up the rhyme? why does it say "Cons lie /Hope dies,", when I guess it could just aswell say "Cons lie, /Hopes die,"? And, even though I have tried my hardest I could not relate to the perfect screams. Maybe you could explain?
4) Here you are loosing me. Ringing bullets? But then I do like the end of this verse, the part with the pawns. Have you considered pulling verse 3 & 4 together to make one out of them? Take the first two lines of 3 and the last two of 4, I think they go together well.
5) Again, I find the first two lines really have something going for them. It is so easy to flip a switch and to see the results of this without knowing anything about the background of how this switch works. The narrator here seems to be complaining about morals being switched on and off in the same way you might use a lightswitch to turn the lights on and off, to suit your needs and without any consideration for the background. Unfortunatly I can't get the picture you are painting in the last two lines.
And, to be honest, all the rest of the poem seems to be there to prolong it. If I may point out the one phrase in the rest of the poem, that I DID like, it was "Fingered blame". How you point the finger at someone to blame him for something. I like the way you have shortend this.
All in all I think the poem has got some really good ideas and thoughts, but they are all so mixed up and too fast. I guess you have been trying to make the poem "mirror" the fast paced world it is talking about. Maybe by structuring it a little more you make it easier for your reader to follow your train of thoughts.