12-27-2015, 10:33 PM
[quote='Minu' pid='200200' dateline='1448359641']
Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? Actually, no- I can't. What is this by the way? If you wish to stick with the phrase, please make some attempt to define it later in the poem.
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted. What are you trying to comment on? Moral ambiguity? If so, focus more on it in further stanzas, don't just introduce a theme and drop it immediately.
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams, Nice juxtaposition, but it doesn't really make sense?
Endless schemes,
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns. The most interesting (that is not to say original) idea you've broached thus-far, but your commentary on the mindless masses is only superficial at best.
Ultimately, I feel that your simple rhyming structure, utterly devoid of meter, restrains your poem. All ideas are only approached in the most superficial way possible, and original imagery and themes are rare.
'Tell all the truth but tell it slant' - Emily Dickinson.
You tackle your issues so bullishly and head-on that it renders the poem ineffective.
Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? Actually, no- I can't. What is this by the way? If you wish to stick with the phrase, please make some attempt to define it later in the poem.
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted. What are you trying to comment on? Moral ambiguity? If so, focus more on it in further stanzas, don't just introduce a theme and drop it immediately.
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams, Nice juxtaposition, but it doesn't really make sense?
Endless schemes,
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns. The most interesting (that is not to say original) idea you've broached thus-far, but your commentary on the mindless masses is only superficial at best.
Ultimately, I feel that your simple rhyming structure, utterly devoid of meter, restrains your poem. All ideas are only approached in the most superficial way possible, and original imagery and themes are rare.
'Tell all the truth but tell it slant' - Emily Dickinson.
You tackle your issues so bullishly and head-on that it renders the poem ineffective.