The Scenic Route [Revised]

[Schmitzhugen]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees

through the glass,

see through me. I feel this needs one more syllable ('and see through me') to flow a little better; I do find the idea of the Sun's omniscient perspective fascinating.



This great star Is great really necessary? It's an unnecessary qualification.

saturates my window

brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance. As a High-Schooler, this imagery did make me smile, but it doesn't sound 'poetic' enough.

An unstoppable smile.



I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and

sipping starbursts Starbursts? Perhaps consider substituting for another word.

Filter free.



I roll down the window

as if to shout

"Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses:

"Bad timing," I say.

And the sun may see,

but it does not hear. Pretty powerful ending, the faint tone of regret in the final stanza as a whole is very evocative.



Original version:

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me.

It saturates my window.
It brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight
Filter free.

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us, 
the sun and I, 
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.