Our Lady The Opaque

[rayheinrich]

Sorry, no detailed crit. but:

I pretty much got "Our Lady The Opaque" right off though I think it would be clearer
if it was "Our Lady of the Opaque". The "of" is what really connects it.

The averted vision thing used to be fairly common knowledge. I remember my dad
showing me how it worked when we were out camping. It helped when you needed
to follow trails in the dark.  When firing a gun in low light, you never look straight down
the sights, but at the upper right side of the site. You also need to close your aiming eye
just as you fire or the muzzle flash will ruin your night vision. None of this is that useful,
what you really need is a night vision device.

But nowadays, light pollution and city dwelling having become so prevalent,
I guess it isn't common knowledge.

But even knowing this well, I didn't understand that you were referring to it in the poem.

"like the sun and the stars
you grow brighter when I look away."

Mentioning the sun was what threw me off, averted vision is used in low light situations.
Almost anything with eyes that evolved on this earth does not look at the sun.
It's instinctive, we don't even have to think about it.

No matter what you write, you really do have to decide who your audience is. The averted
vision metaphor is confusing to almost everyone (even me and I knew about it) and needs
to be changed.

I did like the poem, by the way, it's not wanting for lack of effort.
Ray