12-23-2015, 03:38 PM
quick inputs:
1)'venom in my hands....fading quickly' is conflating two very different metaphors, and gives the impression that you're just resorting to quick verbal shorthand - laziness being the chief impression, not studied economy. it helps if you stick with a single metaphor, at least for a couple of lines, and develop it.
2) "voice a mist" doesn't work as a metaphor for me because a voice is something I hear, not see. I can guess that you're trying to develop the concept of opacity by introducing this mist, but the 'voice' is misplaced.
3) desires pulsing at your feet - for me that creates a funny mental picture of popeye's feet with varicose veins, probably not what you intended.
4) in in the end, i am puzzled by what you are mean by 'venom' and 'spine' - is it that you are a player who's going to basically use your hands and tongue on the lady of the opaque and regret it afterwards? that's what i thought, and didn't like the mambo no. 5 lou bega sentiment. if it was intended and i didn't like it, too bad for me. if it wasn't, then that's something you might want to look at.
5) do stars look brighter when you look away? i don't think so. a period after 'stars' would address this issue, unless you really are saying that.
1)'venom in my hands....fading quickly' is conflating two very different metaphors, and gives the impression that you're just resorting to quick verbal shorthand - laziness being the chief impression, not studied economy. it helps if you stick with a single metaphor, at least for a couple of lines, and develop it.
2) "voice a mist" doesn't work as a metaphor for me because a voice is something I hear, not see. I can guess that you're trying to develop the concept of opacity by introducing this mist, but the 'voice' is misplaced.
3) desires pulsing at your feet - for me that creates a funny mental picture of popeye's feet with varicose veins, probably not what you intended.
4) in in the end, i am puzzled by what you are mean by 'venom' and 'spine' - is it that you are a player who's going to basically use your hands and tongue on the lady of the opaque and regret it afterwards? that's what i thought, and didn't like the mambo no. 5 lou bega sentiment. if it was intended and i didn't like it, too bad for me. if it wasn't, then that's something you might want to look at.
5) do stars look brighter when you look away? i don't think so. a period after 'stars' would address this issue, unless you really are saying that.