12-22-2015, 08:07 PM
Our Lady The Opaque
RE: title. An allusion to another literary piece, or work of art can work well, but it has to make sense.
I will not look at you
your eyes and your face and your hands
I hold them in the blurred periphery
like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away
What is it you are really trying to say here or are you just being flowery?
It doesn't really make much sense to say "I hold them in the blurred periphery" as it begs the questions of what?
As to L3-4 It may be true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, however this has no correlation to the sun and stars inherent brightness, which with the exception of some specific cases, are constant. So in this case the simile fails.
As this is in mild I will constrain myself to the first stanza, with the exception of mentioning that unless there is a justifiable reason for parting ways with the usual conventions of writing (grammar, punctuation, et al., one should not!). Had you availed yourself of these your stanza would have read much more clearly.
OK a bit of an edit:
I will not look at you.
Your eyes, face and hands
I hold in my sight's blurred periphery.
Like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away.
Best,
dale
RE: title. An allusion to another literary piece, or work of art can work well, but it has to make sense.
I will not look at you
your eyes and your face and your hands
I hold them in the blurred periphery
like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away
What is it you are really trying to say here or are you just being flowery?
It doesn't really make much sense to say "I hold them in the blurred periphery" as it begs the questions of what?
As to L3-4 It may be true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, however this has no correlation to the sun and stars inherent brightness, which with the exception of some specific cases, are constant. So in this case the simile fails.
As this is in mild I will constrain myself to the first stanza, with the exception of mentioning that unless there is a justifiable reason for parting ways with the usual conventions of writing (grammar, punctuation, et al., one should not!). Had you availed yourself of these your stanza would have read much more clearly.
OK a bit of an edit:
I will not look at you.
Your eyes, face and hands
I hold in my sight's blurred periphery.
Like the sun and the stars
you glow brighter when I look away.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.