The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[ellajam]

Hi ella, I'm just going to comment on the revision as I do think it's an improvement on the original -- although both are high quality and given the right market, would make fine submissions if you were up for publishing.  

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1)  -- this is an excellent title, with very Zen overtones

You left without your things. -- a powerful opening statement that gets straight to the point.  There are strong feelings of loss.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted -- I wonder if salvage would work on its own, rather than salvaged scraps? You run the risk of overusing alliteration, and poetry is partly about paring back if possible.
and shelved alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues -- why are they illegible?  Is the print faded, are the pages rotten?  Or is it just that the language is esoteric?  I don't feel that illegible is the most evocative word you could use here.  Maybe esoteric?  But then you'd probably want to remove religious.
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science
each with one article you couldn't trash. -- I don't consider that this line adds anything.  It's obvious why they were kept. 
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets -- maybe "worn out", "frayed" or something similar instead of "antique".  Unless they really were antique and collectible.  That would be a bit weird but certainly not the strangest collection I've ever heard of... still, this sounds like a hoarder rather than a collector
and almost working vacuum cleaners, -- a hyphen for almost-working
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you. -- love these lines.  

When the ocean took it all you came, -- came where?  Came to us?  Came to town?  Came to claim your title from an evil baron?
I heard your grinning voice: -- grinning voice is a step too absurd for me.  Voices don't grin.  Perhaps cheery or some such.   
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. -- perfect close, linking back to the title.  

Leanne, thank you so much for taking the time with this, and for your support of a piece I really don't have full confidence in, makes me think it might be worthwhile to get it right.

I am definitely going to try out salvage, couldn't see what was right under my nose, thank you. I've got some work done on those bad lines in the final strophe and will certainly consider all your points as I work through the rest. Very useful and much appreciated.

I have not read either the poems or the critiques enough times to really comment but I would like to say I prefer "unreadable " to illegible. I can expound if you would like or you can just dismiss it until I apply enough work to the whole.

I'm with you on illegible, wouldn't be me without some bad edits. Despite some encouragement here I'm not really sure this piece has what it takes, I just thought it might be fun to work on, your choice whether or not you'd enjoy taking further time with it.